TEAM TALK
[Sunday, February 25, 2007]
Premiership weekend 24/02 - 25/02Park seriously sucks as Carebears run proceedings at NIE9am at NIE, don't be late. The only way to book the court now is to be physically there before other teams reach. Such were the words of wisdom distilled from resident sage Albertini on the eve of the epic encounter between the Bears and their arch-nemesis, NIE Legends.
The utter seriousness of the message set the tone for the match, as the Bears descended upon the NIE court at 10am with hardly a hint of a smile or shiggle. As usual, Tak Wee worsened his own hair problems by taking yet another hair out of his barren wig by coming near 11am when the proceedings were already well underway.
Right before the kickoff, Yee-SPN unwittingly witnessed the devilish mind games being exchanged by both team managers on the court. Albertini sincerely played down the chances of his team yet again, while his opposite number Kenny had nothing but praise for the Bears. It may seem like one of those IQ questions where there is one person always telling the truth and one person always lying, but it was not as both managers lied through their teeth.
After the fast and furious conversation, both managers receded back to their own halves and the match began without further ado. The Bears were at full strength for this match, and resident strategist Albertini was faced with a painful selection headache which he thoroughly enjoyed.
In the end he settled for a defensive lineup with a 6-man 1-tree barrier in front of goal.
Upon seeing this controversial selection decision, there were instantly cat calls and whistles at the Bears, who were adjudged to have 'parked the team bus in front of goal'. The trees starting leaning in once again and suddenly, the sounds were transformed into rousing applause and cheers for the Bears. Park Jie Song's popularity at work once again.
The worrying trend of Wooki's absence from such vital matches continued, but the Carebears were not affected in the slightest bit. No, not because there were lookalikes in the team as the Wooki Convention Section VI Article II warns, but because there was simply no way a shot could get through five pairs of Juncheng's legs and a whole mangrove of roots from Jie Song.
Fabuloso. Il meglio che ci sia. Dragão. Such were the Spanish, Italian, and Portugese words used to describe Park Jie Song after the English dictionary ran out of superlatives to describe his play. No compass or azimuth readings could help an opponent navigate his way out of this forest; all who dared ventured in emerged battered and bruised and without the ball -- if they emerged at all.
A rock, I mean, tree in defence, the defender puts his can't-get-past-him skill to good use in attack as well. One scintillating run saw him cover almost three-quarters of the pitch, taking on three defenders one-by-one. Each time, he went confidently up to the defender, played a game of pinball with him, then left the now-friendly opponent for dead.
While he was most certainly the star of the game as the Carebear defence kept out everything (including the kitchen sink) that the Legends threw at them, his fellow defenders did their job to perfection as well. Albertini put his heart-wrenching dramas to the back of his mind and unleashed his vicious arsenal of flails and tackles, while Jun Cheng and his merry twins bamboozled everyone on the court. Any Legend who dared take a step into the Carebear half found himself swiftly surrounded by either roots, speedsters, or to everyone's condolences, face-to-face with the eternal MVCEP.
With such an impregnable backline, the attackers of the team went about their job with confidence. Quan van Ning was his usual sublime self, making incisive runs into the box and providing through-passes to his attacking team-mates. It was his stupendous goal that ended the match that day, running from the halfway line and giving the keeper no chance with a powerful shot to the far post. Angki displayed nifty footwork and provided dangerous crosses into the box, while it was a rare good outing for Yee Hung Pyo who was the provider for two goals and scored a personal hat-trick, missing a plethora of chances in the process.
The Bears were dominating both sides of the half, although the Legends came back strongly in the second with Kenny scoring freely off his powerful left foot. Tak Wee also chipped in a goal against his own team after he joined the Legends one hour after the match had started.
It was in all seriousness that the match ended after van Ning's goal, and as the NIE Legends bade a quick retreat, the Bears settled down to AAR their match and enjoy the good company of the swarms of 100-plus hungry honeybees.
Other highlights:
- Jie Song displayed the happiest header so far as he leapt into the air and headed away a dangerous cross. His wide, jubilant smile was obviously frowned upon by Yee and Albertini, who simply do not tolerate such frivolity. He was subsequently fined two weeks' wages and is banned from feeling happy for the rest of the season.
- Moo sported a distinctly Korean hairstyle, looking almost unrecognisable compared to his previous crew-cut look. It could not have come at a better time, as both Convention members Albertini and Yee wasted no time pointing out the new Wooki look-alike.
- Yee takes a shot that results in a throw-in and Angki's one hits the coconut tree as the Carebears' attack failed to match their defence.
Fans outraged at post with headline but no content
[Wednesday, February 21, 2007]
[death]star sports Resident Evil: Albertini, the newest title in the Resident Evil series, was recently announced to be in the works by Carebearunited Studios. It is slated as the most career ending game in the franchise to date, promising new combat systems, new weapons (including the venerated kendo stick), and new ways to stick a game pad through your hand. Using a variety of skills, such as Grow Mould, Clone Self, Speed boost, Koon pass(tm), Selective Deafness, Make Friends, players fight and solve their way through 14 different levels that are actually the same.
Resident Game director Albertini tells us more: “The game takes the players to the familiar scene of Ang Mo Kio street court, where the virus has mutated every team but Carebearunited into hideous zombies. To correct the wrong in the absence of JL, the players will take on the role of Carebearunited members, using their unique powers to find the source of the infection and put an end to it.
“The game features several new puzzles never before seen in this franchise, such as explaining, by the use your understanding of induction to, if albert understands yee understands wookie = albert understands wookie, then what is the understanding between wookie and tak? or if botak=no hair, and tak = fake hair, then what is bo?” explains Resident Puzzle designer Albertini.
Resident company president Albertini also adds that besides appearances by Korean superstar Wooki, in game music will be produced and sang by David-lele with Yee Hung-pyo handling the in game art using MS Paint. Each purchase of the game also includes a 10% discount voucher for the new BrinjawTM shoes, an autographed photo of Wooki sleeping besides 12 empty bowls of $1 ice kachang and an invite to be a friend of Jiesong on Friendster.
The game is due out in Spring 2007 in all major game retail stores.
[Monday, February 19, 2007]
BrinJawsTM: Nano Solution for “Holes-in-One-Street Boot”
In a joint collaboration between A*Star nanotechnology scholar Kimchi Prototype and sewing cum nano-origami specialist David-lele, CBU’s Research to Destroy (R&D) Lab unveils its first invention,
BrinJawsTM.
Though it is a far cry from being classified as a potential WMD (club director Albertini’s sole objective of setting up the R&D Lab), this innovation is greatly appreciated by Ahn JC’s left big toe.
The surface of this revolutionary instep padding has a 1,000,000 x 1,000,000 matrix of needle-like structures that resemble the denticles on a real shark skin. Made of adamatium, these tiny claws are individually glued onto a cut-out piece of TCHS shorts by David-lele effortlessly. As adamatium is indestructible, friction heat will no longer burn holes through your shoes, socks, and toes.
At press conference, Kimchi Prototype revealed the process of this novel creation. “I’ve been experimenting with various metals for BrinJaws’ denticles during CBU weekly soccer sessions. The day when Kimchi Prototype Beta 6.0 managed to nick the ball away from JC1, dribble past JC2, evade JC3’s tackle, ole JC4 and then squeeze in a shot at JC5’s near post, was the day I discovered that adamatium is the best option.”
“Determining which metal to use was the easy part. Thereafter, I had a hard time finding a way to attach those mini claws to a base. None of R&D Lab’s sophisticated equipment can do it. But when I saw David-lele’s collection of DIY pencil cases and nano-sized test tube origami turtles, the rest is history.”
David-lele, who was carving out a er hu from a giant brinjal, added, “I’m Park Jie Song’s first degree friend since 2001. He’s a natural environmentalist, and I’m very inspired by his "Reuse, Reduce, Recycle" campaign efforts. Using my old TCHS shorts as BrinJaws’ padding material is a way of showing my support. Hopefully he can reciprocate by writing a long overdue testimonial for me on Friendster.”
Following are two applications of BrinJaws
TM, both offering devastating on-field results.
1. TV Mobile
In this position where the spines of the metallic denticles are pointing backwards, you can accelerate in a blink as the structures’ streamlined shape can greatly reduce drag by channeling air through the grooves. Razor-sharp tips provide excellent grip for emergency braking and sudden change of direction. Head/tackle/shoot/volley, just like that SBS TV service, you will be everywhere. Metrosexuals can have peace of mind as your pedicures will remain in one piece.
2. Wolverine
Reverse the positioning of Brinjaws
TM and you can unleash your feral instincts in the court. For best effect, keep muttering
“brinjal, brinjal, brinjal” to yourself at the start of a game. The moment your opponent thinks that you are as gay as the purple veggie, KO the unsuspecting fellow with a shredding berserker barrage.
Immediately after the product launch ceremony, Care Bear Utd was approached by 33
rd Street for the distributing rights of BrinJaws
TM. The street wear company proposed plans of using BrinJaws
TM on their latest range of nautical fashion inspired chokers/wristbands/piercings/ear studs. If the deal falls through, it will provide a temporary cashflow relief for CBU.
CBU is currently in the red as expenses (repair & maintenance fees of Pnuto's SP/Phamtom/Vespa/Harley/Super4) are draining away income from sales of Deaf Note movie tickets, Korean idol shirts, David-lele’s Greatest All-time Hits Compilation albums, Wordplay 101 guide books, and “Who Lives Near Jiesong?” Universal Social Networking Website membership fees.
(Writer wants to kowtow to Yee Hung Pyo for using MS Paint to create his drawings.)
[Sunday, February 18, 2007]
Chinese New Year Special EditionXinru Team w/o answer to Bears physical playIt was one day before the Year of the Pig, yet the Bears were in no mood to celebrate as they congregated at the hallowed AMK court. What better way to herald in the New Year than to stain the court an auspicious red with the usual Bears' bloodshed?
Before the match, Bears gaffer and resident evil Albertini held his routine pre-match press conference to unleash his wicked mind games as always. "Although it is the festive season, don't expect any cheer or gifts from us," said Albertini, forgetting that Li "most assists" Koon was playing. "Our opponents will hope that we relax in this match, but, as I always like to say, the cathedral of hope is built upon the bodies of the fallen."
Still, the Bears team was severely depleted with the club keeper missing in action, but he was not missed thanks to Albertini, who caused many a team-mate to rub his eyes and take a second look, and sometimes maybe even a third or fourth. The Scorer-Keeper rule was duly enforced to the Bears' dismay.
Coincidentally, a statistical study by Yee-SPN found a startling relationship between Wooki's presence and the number of shots by the Bears, although Wooki is the keeper. No one has yet been able to explain why the Carebears take much fewer shots when their permanent keeper is not around.
Fortunately, the Bears were boosted by the day-long loan of Adebayor II, who proved to be both a striking and keeping sensation. Another wonderful temporary signing by the Bears. Up-and-coming defender Kenneth also proudly wore the Bear colors, hoping to one day be able to emulate the success of his cousin David.
The match started without further ado. Whenever Albertini says something, it is always going to happen as the Bears flew off the blocks and took the game to Xinru & Co, making them wonder why they were not sitting safely in one piece at home eating CNY goodies instead.
Highlights of the match:
- Tak is truly a man with a mission as he tormented the opponent's defence like a dominatrix on steroids, making assist after assist after assist and thus avoiding the dreaded keeping position.
- Yee finally finds his scoring touch with a swerving effort from the extreme left of the midfield line, sending opponents screaming for "half-court" but the referee wasn't impressed. Back to the terraces for them.
- **Wonder goal** Li Koon makes a foraging run up the left flank and meets a defender. Instead of passing back towards goal as he is wont to do, the midfielder lobs the ball over him. Angki, showing more telepathy than even 9-year friend Albertini, dashes forward and first-times a fierce volley into the net. What a goal!
- Kenneth does his cousin proud with some resolute defending that frustrated the opposing strikers. His relentless running allows him to join in the attack as well, unlike some lazy strikers who stay up and never help out at the back.
- Park Jie Song, having already added everyone on the court to his Friendster account, once again put the Friendster server in danger of crashing by earning testimonials from all round the court.
Disclaimer: this is not a 'bu niao' statement- Ahn Jun Cheng arrived late, but what an impact he made in the precious minutes that he was on the court. The frequent flyer earned rousing applause from the stands as he covered every inch of the court. A particular 50m dash from the left flank to the right flank sent the crowd gasping, save for the Carebear fans who have already come to expect such performances from the defender/midfielder/striker and his four twins.
- Adebayor's acrobatics in goal save the Bears again and again. Kept a clean sheet for three matches before succumbing due to some slack defending from the complacent Bears.
- The Bears showed their physical prowess, as proven by the number of spectacles falling to the ground. From Li Koon's cheap SAF chiong-sua glasses to Jie Song's wooden ones, none were spared as the Bears ran riot over their wwwWwWwWwweak opponents.
Low points:- The Jun Chengs had to go off early. So did Albertini for his reunion lunch, once again proving that he is not afraid to challenge the norm.
After the match, the
Carebears' Bak Kwa presentation was carried out by Yee Hung Pyo, who presented the bak kwa bought by Jun Cheng and funded by the Bears to David's mother in gratitude of her hospitality.
The Carebears actively champions hospitality by sending many opponents to hospital.
David's mother was pleasantly surprised and very happy. Yee Hung Pyo requested that she eat the bak kwa and not serve them to the Bears the next time they set foot in the house.
Happy Chinese New Year to all the Carebears and their Happy, Concerned, and Worried Fans.
[Wednesday, February 14, 2007]
CCB News
Park Jie Song enters Guinness Book of World Records
After appearing on Forbes Magazine just last month, Park Jie Song yet again brings honour to the club, this time by putting his name down in the Guinness Book of World Records. The ever amiable treant had rocket scientists scurrying for their supercomputers after he broke a somewhat unsurpassable record of 345340983459834598034958069204958349058340958340958305949583294958548384959993349498438485956t8 friends (and still counting). Prominent scientists and mathematicians around the world have been asked to join in this historical moment in trying to break the PJS Code.
This amazing phenomenon was brought to light after the webmaster of Friendster found its webpages loading slower and slower by the day, to the point where it finally crashed just last Sunday. Expert hacker Wooke, also known as Gadget king, when brought in to investigate, managed to salvage a portion of the dying records of Friendster. He duly reported at the press conference cum autograph session (while eating a $1 ice kachang) that his teammate Park Jie Song’s no. of first degree friends was a whopping 43340934509845098340598340958345340958240958340583049853094850345! That was approximately 43340934509845098340598340958345340958240958340583049853094850344 more than his no. of online friends! With that, Wooke promptly fell asleep at the table, with his millions of fans admiring the Korean idol and the stack of empty ice kachang bowls beside him with great affection.
Carebear United announces bid to take over FriendsterIn the recent weeks, speculation that Carebear United was going to take over Friendster has finally come true. At a press-conference held where club no.1 goalkeeper was sleeping and his millions of fans doing likewise, Ahn JunCheng was there to break the earth-breaking news. Well-known as an opportunist both on and off the pitch, Ahn JunCheng has time and time again shown why his position as club finance manager will never be threatened by consistently making sound investments and winning sponsors from the unlikeliest of sources. Ahn started by congratulating Park JS on his stellar performances in the recent weeks.
“Jiesong’s popularity is growing by the minute, and it is not hard to see why. His no-fear and I-couldn’t-care-less attitude has won over the hearts of fans and foes alike. There was once when I saw the ever-dangerous Red Indian going at him, after evading weak tackles from Tako and Pnut. Jiesong just stood there, solid as a rock, and the Red Indian was duly upended. The referee immediately ran over and reached for his pocket. Red Indian was correctly given a yellow card, and applause from the whole stadium affirmed his decision. The Red Indian, who had been angsty for the most of the match, immediately stood up and gave Jiesong a hug, with a big smile on his face and tears in his eyes. He promptly exchanged Friendster contacts with Jiesong, and was subsequently sent off by the referee for time-wasting. Such, is the charisma of Park.”
“And it is such that has convinced us to buy over Friendster and dedicate it wholly to Park. We believe he has definitely deserved this, and the same goes to the people who are dying to make friends with him. Literally.”
War of the Wook: Clones of Korean Idol Wooke on the riseWith rising fame, it is no wonder that Korean Idol Wooke is seeing more trouble come his way. After being overthrown by Park Jie Song as the most popular player of the year, the adorable yet eccentric no.1 goalkeeping idol is facing stiff competition from his look-alikes. Even as majority of the club’s rivals and fans have defected to Park’s Club, there is still an increasing number of fans and allegedly, maybe even players who are choosing to sport the slitty eyes and floppy locks that make Wooke so unique. Though many of these have yet to come to terms with having to pierce a stick through the hand and eating exotic cuisine to complete the transition, some have decided that an identical sense of fashion is a better alternative.
Unfortunately, Wooke could not be reached for interview at press time, even though his supposed press-conference cum autograph was supposed to have ended 8 hours ago. Thus, club manager and personal agent and rumored good friend of Wooke, Albertini was there to clear the matter on his teammate/colleague’s behalf.
“As the club manager and agent of Wooke, I must clarify that Wooke does not feel any threat at all from these clones. True, there are some people who are starting to take after him, like sharing his passion for artistic drawings and turning up late for training. Whether they are deliberately imitating him or they are really clones, or maybe even brothers, I must emphasise: there is, and will only be one Wooke. Others, can only aspire to be, or dress like him, at best. And boy, do I despise people like this!”
Albertini stood up and banged the board behind him, and left. With that, the interview session came to an end, as abrupt as it had started. It was not the first time Albertini had done this: the board that was now full of dents was proof of his history. As the reporters sat wondering where else had they seen this familiar gesture, Albertini was seen leaving the building with his large backpack, fiddling with his choker and spiky wrist strap, a silhouette that seemed to bear an uncanny resemblance to someone I know, someone we know.
[Monday, February 12, 2007]
Bears Stops the Rot
Following a lacklustre display last time out, the bears were determined to make amends this week.
There was good news all around as star midfield player was unable to make it for the match. No reason was given for his absence but no one really asked.
However, there was a cloud in every silver lining. Following the ban of Ahn Jun Cheng for fielding 5 of his twin brothers, the bears was dealt another sucker punch as moments before the match, the team was greeted by an all too familiar "oh shit" from Yee Hung Pyo. When interviewed, even his long time ally and only friend Albertini could not hide his disappointment. "First, it was the physical resemblance, then it was their love for drawing morbid artwork, now Yee Hung is behaving more alike than the person itself." When probed further, Albertini refused to name this mysterious someone who bears such an uncanny resemblance to Yee Hung Pyo. But, Albertini assured the reporters that he wasnt being difficult but he was bounded by the Wooki Convention. Upon this, reporters were impressed by Albertini sense of chrivalry in protecting the best interest of his good buddy.
With about 8 person in their ranks, the bears decided to spilt into 2 teams. The first team consisted of Care-Tak, Wooki, Tak Jnr and Andy, the Justin Leow look alike. Boosting a balanced line up, this team look set to go all the way, their only possible hiccup would come in the form of the 32-33 self-destructive partnership.
The other team consisted of David, Jiesong, Albertini and "Arsenal" Djamal, once foe, now friend. With no proven keeper in this side, the team had to revert to the scorer keeper system. Despite this, the side still boosted Mr Popular, Comeback kid, the eternal MVCEP and the effervescent Arsenal. Seeing this, pundits gave this side 50-50 of dominating.
First off the blocks were the team with Albertini, Js, David and Arsenal. With David deputising between the sticks, Js and Albertini holding the fort and Arsenal leading the attack, we started our match against team Adebayor.
Highlights:
Arsenal dribbled easily past the opponents defense with his brand of direct football and fires in a goal through the keeper legs.
Jiesong with a defense spiltting pass to Albertini who was actually slacking upfield. Albertini beats a defender and finishes the shot with a toe poke.
Adebayor gets a shot in! David couldnt get a hand to it but just somehow managed to clamp it between his legs for a marvellous save. Adebayor couldnt believe it, neither did David.
Mr Popular Strikes again. Another friend is added to Jiesong friendster account. Prefering a direct way of meeting new friends, Jiesong likes to go face to face or through physical contact, showing more sincerity in the process.
David comes out of goal and made an immediate impact as he fired a shot with such aplomb that the opponent heart rattled together with the crossbar.
Albertini completes his hattrick after some nice work by his teammates. He was rewarded with a stint as a keeper, much to his delight.
As such, the team continued to dominate, destroying all in its way with some solid defending and clinical finishing, albeit a bit lucky.
Next up was the team led by Tak, with Wooki, Andy and Jnr.
Highlights
The team got off to a slow start and was withstanding the fast and furious attacks. However, Wooki was in sensational form, keeping the shots out with every part of his body.
Tak and Andy exchanged a 1-2 and spilted the defense open like a stake through your hand. It finished with a goal to the bottom left hand corner by Tak.
Seeing a moment of hesitation in the opponent defense, Andy stole the ball and promptly dispatched a ball to the back of the net.
As they slowly found their tempo, opponents were brushed off without remorse and without mercy.
A harmless ball flies towards Wooki and he executed a routine maul at it. But as fate would have it, he self destructed and stubbed his fingers together with it. Wooki was duly substituted. However, with some encouragement and tender loving care from his good friend and partner Tak, Wooki was back on the court again, playing through the pain barrier.
In conclusion, it was a great day for the bears who dominated their home court game after game, with goals aplenty.
In other news:
Despite the bears stopping the rot, number 1 keeper Wooki just cant seem to get enough of it. In the dressing room after the match, Wooki displayed a rotting big toe to the rest of the team. Formerly known as Hard Rot Kefei, rotting is nothing new to Wooki and he brushes it off as just another rot in his life and further reassured his fans that his idol dramas and soccer performance will not be affected.
[Saturday, February 10, 2007]
Yee-SPN Foot-brawl News
Yee finally breaks scoring duckIn a shocking move that angered animal rights activists worldwide, Carebear striker Yee Hung Pyo has broken his scoring duck.
The duck, which also played as striker for Donald FC, died immediately after being broken. It had scored an amazing 60 goals in 38 games, hence earning its mantle as a scoring duck.
Yee expressed no remorse over his savage act, which further enraged animal activists. "It's either he got broken or I get condemned into goal," explained the potential keeper.
Club gaffer and resident animal rights spokesman, the cute and innocent Albertini, assured the press: "When I heard the news, I dismissed it as wordplay at first. However, even so, there's nothing to worry about as I'm sure Yee will get his scoring duck back sooner or later."
Oxford dictionary accepts Wooki's contributionsThe Oxford dictionary board has introduced three new words into the English language, effective as of today. They have Carebear keeper Wooki to thank, who came up with the words after a stroke of genius inspired after eating a two-week old mouldy piece of red meat.
The words, 'mi mancherai marisa', has been defined as a noun, meaning something that has no meaning or cannot be understood. For example,
All these wordplay are mi mancherai marisa to me or
Football tactics are mi mancherai marisa, the correct way is to go for the ankles.Said Wooki: "I'm really happy that I could have an impact on the English language, especially since I'm from China but I dunno Chinese."
He promised that there will be more to come, with many new mi mancherai marisa already on the drawing board.
Tak overtakes Ronaldinho as top earnerThe Carebears now have a millionaire within their ranks, after FIFA ranked Tak as the top earner in football for 2006, beating heavyweights Ronaldinho and Beckham.
Tak, who earns only a meagre $2 a week (paid to him because of Boon Keng booking fees), more than made up for it with his endorsements and earnings off the pitch. The star midfielder is currently the face of Yunnam, and his impressive list of movies such as Deaf Note 1 and 2 has earned him an estimated $500 million last year alone.
As per Carebear protocol, resident financial advisor and investment broker has dumped all the money into Enron stocks.
[Saturday, February 03, 2007]
Yee-SPN Wigly Soccer News Carebear United faces point deduction for breaking FIFA regulationsexclusive reporting from Warweak, at the cathedral of hope
Carebear United is now in danger of losing its 101,570-point lead over nearest rivals Adebayor FC, after FIFA announced today that it will be taking disciplinary action against the
dominating dominatrix club for flouting rules on the number of players used in a match.
The current crisis facing the Carebears arose after Ronaldo FC lodged a formal complaint when it was kicked out of the court by two goals from Juncheng(s).
Said FIFA president Sepp Bearter: "It has come to our knowledge that Carebear United has been using more than the allowed number of players during its matches, a big reason for their positive results so far."
He further elaborated: "We have seen video evidence from various matches and it is believed that the Carebears fielded up to 5 extra players by including all of them in the team list under the name "Jun Cheng".
The ardent Carebear supporter then proceeded to turn on the TV to show the media some of the mentioned video evidence. After waiting for about 5 minutes for the TV (donated by David's house) to warm up, the shocking evidence was displayed for all to see.
Grainy footage of an impossibly-defined player having a powerful shot saved by the keeper flashed on the screen. Then, seconds later, another equally muscular player was shown nicking the ball of an opponent's striker. Again, another carbon copy could be seen crossing the ball to the penalty box, where yet another twin finished the move with aplomb.
"The evidence is simply damning," said Bearter. "Not since the old days of cyborg player prototypes have we seen this kind of performance. I pity the teams who had to face an opponent with double their players."
He added ominously: "The Carebears must be punished!"
When club mascot and resident PR advisor Albertini was contacted, he said: "Shhh Shhh We will accept any punishment that FIFA dishes out. We love it shh shh. Give us pain, we simply cannot get enough!!" To prove his point, he directed us to a training session at the hallowed AMK stadium, where an unnamed player was seen sticking a steak on a stick then sticking the stick in his arm.
Jie Song voted Most Popular PlayerStar defender and NParks spokesman Park Ji-Sung was named as the Most Popular Player in a recent poll between players and fans from all over AMK. The massive treant, who makes many friends in every match for his no-nonsense defending and unpassable body, was understandably delighted.
"I will continue to try my best to make more friends in the game," said the gentle giant. "Being a Carebear, we believe in Giordano - World without strangers."
Said a player from a rival club: "How can I not love Park? His friendly tackles, loving body-ins and heartwarming ball-winning skills has won him the widespread friendship of all players in this league."
Another opponent commented: "The best part I love about him? When I try to get past him, I end up on the floor and the ball ends up in my net. My heart simply bursts with good feelings as I exit the court."
However, Jie Song wil have an uphill task trying to displace keeper Wooki as the Player Who Sells The Most Shirts, with the Korean idol's jersey sales forming almost 60% of Korea's GDP.
David's Soundtrack takes on Rain albumRain's album sales have taken a hit after David released his soundtrack CD titled "My Favorite Sounds", falling from $10 billion
won to $9.95 billion.
"My Favorite Sounds" is rising up the charts with #1 Billboard Hit, "Wei Ni Si De Lei-Lei" becoming a hit at dance clubs worldwide. The catchy number, which features a distinct unique sound of David's, is now in everyone's ears. (Though team-mate Albertini may have something to do with it.)
Said the up-and-coming pop star, in fluent, Qing dynasty Mandarin: "I am really pleased that my music has touched the hearts of the masses. The words are from the bottom of my heart."
by Yee Hung Pyo
[Thursday, February 01, 2007]
Yee lashes out at lack of support from manager; hangs up glovesAfter a string of poor performances, culminating in an unprecedented goalless weekend and equally unprecedented number of missed chances, Carebear United striker Yee Hung Pyo has come under direct fire from team-mates and fans alike.
Missing chances from left, right and centre, with a particularly memorable miss being a shot against Old Tak's Friends which resulted in a throw-in, the criticism of the off-colour striker is certainly justified. However, caretaker manager Tako Pachi stunned even the most indignant of fans by actually showing up for the press conference to blast the striker's poor finishing.
"I can only use one word to describe his misses so far: Ugly." said the studded auntie-killer. "My best and only friend truly understood me when he revealed that I simply cannot stand ugly things in soccer, as opposed to my affection for such things outside of it." A distinct shiggle was then heard in the background, but our intrepid reporter dismissed it as the sound of the wind blowing.
In his fan site, Yee expressed anger towards his manager's lack of confidence in him. "I've been loyally scoring for the Bears ever since defecting from The People's FC, and this is what I get?" he wrote. "This really makes me miss my old class, even with all the nose-digging, groin-scratchi- ok, 4F rocks."
In a rash display of petulance not seen since the glory days of disband and Wooki banged the whiteboard after being scolded by the teacher, Yee announced his retirement from goalkeeping. One could hardly miss the symbolism when he took off his well-worn gloves and hung them on the wall.
Said resident symbiologist Albertini: "Yee is obviously mimicking the antics of Wooki at the NIE court against the NIE Legends last year. Then, Wooki had flamboyantly threw off his gloves, gave a Korean idol pose complete with facial expression, and proceeded to keep the Legends at bay between the sticks."
Upon hearing this, Yee realised his mistake and quickly put on his gloves again. Again, one could hardly miss the symbolism, as Albertini explained.
"Obviously, Yee now is eager to continue his keeping stint at Care Bear United. The haste at which he put his gloves back on shows that he is even willing to sacrifice his position as striker," the cute and innocent Carebear confidently analysed. "As his best and only friend, I will grant him his wish."
Yee was last seen in tears and putting a rope around his neck, with Albertini also explaining the symbolism of that action...
In a joint collaboration between A*Star nanotechnology scholar Kimchi Prototype and sewing cum nano-origami specialist David-lele, CBU’s Research to Destroy (R&D) Lab unveils its first invention, BrinJawsTM. 
Though it is a far cry from being classified as a potential WMD (club director Albertini’s sole objective of setting up the R&D Lab), this innovation is greatly appreciated by Ahn JC’s left big toe.
In this position where the spines of the metallic denticles are pointing backwards, you can accelerate in a blink as the structures’ streamlined shape can greatly reduce drag by channeling air through the grooves. Razor-sharp tips provide excellent grip for emergency braking and sudden change of direction. Head/tackle/shoot/volley, just like that SBS TV service, you will be everywhere. Metrosexuals can have peace of mind as your pedicures will remain in one piece.
Reverse the positioning of BrinjawsTM and you can unleash your feral instincts in the court. For best effect, keep muttering “brinjal, brinjal, brinjal” to yourself at the start of a game. The moment your opponent thinks that you are as gay as the purple veggie, KO the unsuspecting fellow with a shredding berserker barrage. 
