We are a team of titans. True to our motto, we seek and destroy. Be it your defence, your attacks, or even your careers. With a death star angel watching over us, we are unbeatable. Our patented style, 'The Movement (TM)', allows us to put the ball in your net with or without your permission. Sometimes we even put it in ours. The point is, when you step on the pitch, be prepared for innocence lost and wounds that will never heal. By the time we are done dishing out our touching tackles and sentimental shots, you will wish you were in Patpong instead. Don't expect pity, only sincere laughter will greet your screams. And don't bother asking for a death row pardon either, it is already two minutes too late.
So the question you need to ask yourself now is...
DO YOU DARE...TO CARE?
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Do you DARE to CARE?
-=H.=- |7:46 AM|
After months of inexplicable inactivity, Starhub subscribers have finally had enough of Yee-SPN.
"Everytime we turn on the TV set and switch to Chn 33, all we see are soccer-related advertisements like training clinics at Radin Mas Secondary School in JB and product launches of moldy keepers' gloves," ranted Ima Hubber, 65, who has been a Starhub subscriber since 10 years before it was formed. "Yee-SPN is not doing its job, full stop."
Other Starhub subscribers have written into the newspaper forums to complain about the sudden lack of match reports and live telecasts on the Yee-SPN channel. Feedback was so fast and furious that the newsrooms declared two weeks off for all journalists and published solely the complaints for that period.
It was thus no surprise when Starhub announced yesterday that it will be swapping broadcasters.
Said Starhub spokesman Ihate Singh Tel: "We hear you, subscribers, especially after you conducted a riot outside Starhub HQ and threw Molotov cocktails at us. That's why we have replaced Yee-SPN with the new, 24-hour Football Channel, which will give you live and exclusive footage of the AMK soccer court from now on."
Yee-SPN declined comment throughout the months-long drama, but insiders revealed that it had been sucked in by its own Profitable Plots advertisements and had been busy buying UK land, possibly probably with the thought of moving over to the UK.
In what seems to be a double blow for the Yee family, striker Yee Hung Pyo has also been sidelined by a serious stomach injury after a lengthy hiatus from soccer as well as a steady diet of buffets, desserts, and RMUTDFTWs.
Club physiologist Ang Jung Cheng told the press: "Yee is now suffering from a severe case of rapid obesity, where the player grows too fast at the waist and the stomach skin is stretched beyond comfortable limits. As a result, Yee is in severe pain, and is now on the treatment table enjoying every second of it."
Fans wonder if the keeper-striker, having failed to replicate the scoring exploits of Ronaldo, is now trying to emulate another side of the Brazilian superstar. Now it seems that club gaffer Albertini will be taking drastic action against the errant player.
"Despite my repeated warnings, Yee chose to throw his weight around and not listen to my advice," said the lovable manager. "Now due to our club finances suffering a severe blow after our main revenue source, Tak, stopped collecting the weekly $2, we may have to trim the fat in the club."
At this, several clubs from the lower leagues (compared to the AMK league), such as the English Premier League and La Liga, began to express their interest in the unwanted striker. Currently leading the race to sign Yee is League One club Coventry, which is planning to sell their entire team and stadium to fund the transfer.
-=H.=- |12:20 AM|
Updated: Jul. 14, 2007, 01:30 PM
While many accolades acknowledge the achievements of the Care Bears, none appreciate their ascendancy as much as their latest accomplishment. The Care Bears homepage, www.CareBearUnited.blogspot.com, reached a milestone of 3000 visitors since its establishment one year ago, despite a sore lack of activity in the posts.
The number was professed to include multiple refreshes by the Bears and unwitting visitors, lured by pop ups (designed by highly acclaimed IT, photo-editing and webcam specialist Albertini) that promised of forbidden fruits – such as fried orange in mayonnaise, steamed watermelon in prawn paste and kiwi tofu.
Nevertheless, the fan base of the Bears remain a sizeable force, with Wookie continuing to draw support with his Korean idol looks and gothic fashion sense, while Park Jie Song’s popularity never waned.
‘It’s like scoring 3000 goals, just better,’ said Yee Hung Pyo in an interview with Death Star Sports.
‘We’re happy to receive this award, especially when we’re not doing anything.’
Albertini dismissed the award as another publicity stunt, waving away any congratulations from fans and foes alike.
‘It’s a scheme. We’re on the verge of disbanding. No one can stop us. Not even 3000 visitors,’ said the enigmatic midfielder.
‘This award is for weak teams.’
The online traffic has always been a massive jam as enthusiasts and devotees of the Care Bears flocked to the site in throngs to read about the exploits and antics of the Bears. The tag board is inundated with words from fans proclaiming their utmost admiration for the caring team.
Tako believes that this is a sign that the homepage is only undergoing a temporary respite. In an interview with YeeSPN, Tako revealed that the number indicates that many people are still interested in the articles, though nobody seems to want to write them.
Fellow teammate Wookie believes that the blog will continue to draw fans regardless of whether there are any new articles.
‘We don’t have to write any articles. They’ll just keep coming,’ said the Bear’s shot stopper.
When asked about his contributions to the blog, the Care Bear No. 1 said, ‘Oh shit.’
While calls for a change in the design of the web have been rife (the face of the Eternal MVCEP could do with a little makeover), actual criticism of the Care Bear United homepage has never been heard.
-=kAi Yi=- |7:11 AM|
Ang Mo
Kai Yi’s departure to the
Care Bear United have always challenged Justice League for the Green Dustbin (the highest acclaim for football clubs) since their inauguration and Ferment believes they will continue to heap pressure on his Super Heroes outfit.
‘They’ll push us for the award. They’ll even kick the dustbin,’ said Ferment on Spy Sports News. ‘I’m more convinced they will do so without their key players. In fact, they’ll even do better without any players.’
‘I just thought it was time for them to disband. Albertini knew that, and I think he’ll scheme them. They’ll do better without any players.’
Care Bear United is continuing preparations for a final disband (the real disband, like the real timing) by moving to field soccer when they do not even have enough players for street soccer.
‘We will fill a full side for our field match this week,’ Albertini told www.CareBearUnited.blogspot.com.
‘Basically we have a very full squad with depth, especially with the return of ALL players, so you could see QZ, Jia Ho, Gou Mao, Charb and Suzanne Yeo on the pitch.
‘They are all likely to be included so it should be a very familiar side.’
Albertini has just completed the scheming of Care Bear No. 1 by introducing new online games to the goalkeeper. The games can only be played in the wee hours of the morning, ensuring that the Korean heart throb will have to miss all morning games with the Bears. Conspiracy theorists have also observed that Wookie has been using profound excuses (possibly supplied by the Mastermind) such as, ‘Oh sh*t.’ (Due to little children visiting our site, we have been advised to censor all vulgarities such as the word ‘SHIT’)
‘We’ve all been very impressed by Wooki3,’ said Albertini.
‘He’s left us without any chance of berating him for not turning up and has always left Tako speechless.’
-=kAi Yi=- |7:04 AM|
-=taZzk=- |8:04 PM|
WOOKIE - GK
The Barthez of the team, Wookie is the undisputed No.1 for Carebear Utd. Although not blessed with any of the relevant attributes of
quick reflexes or ball handling, he compensates for it with his Korean Idol looks and Gothic bracelet/choker. His unique ability to
self-destruct has irked many fans, but his sterling performances when he is on form quickly pacifies them. Many predict his position
will be coming under threat in future from an up-and-coming keeper, Understudy, who was scouted from the AMK Academy. However till then,
Wookie will continue to deputise between the sticks. Speaking of sticks, please do not injure your arm by piercing it with one.
JIESONG - DC
As Keeper of the Grove, Jie Song commands twin tree trunks which are indispensable for blocking shots, bulldozing past defenders etc.
His quick acceleration from his triple jump days coupled with his raw strength makes him feared and respected on the field. His unique
ability, the Force of Nature, consistently gets Carebear Utd out of trouble. If you thought Mother Nature was powerful, try taking on
the Big Daddy...
DAVID - DC
A born sweeper, David possesses legs that can really sweep. His windscreen wiper technique of flailing his legs side to side creates an
air vacuum, forming an impregnable fortress around him and driving opponents crazy trying to beat him. A fan favorite with his kinky
accessories like flower hats, he can often be seen emitting wierd noises like 'nai nai' and 'lai lai' that confuse his opponents. When
combined with Jie Song, the 2 form an unbeatable defence. His passion for soccer is only matched by his love for Zoids.
JUNCHENG - DC
Many an opposing striker has smelt a goal and gone in for the shot, only to find themselves staring at 6 solid rock hard abs. A rock
in defence, Jun Cheng possesses lightning pace and acceleration and gives Carebear Utd additional attacking options with his incisive
runs and decisive finishing. A fireman by occupation, but moonlights at night washing clothes with his natural washing board.
ALBERT - DMC
Knees. Shins. Ankles. Ligaments. You name it, he's zhammed it. The veritable defensive stalwart of the team, Albert destroys opponents'
attacks as easily as he destroys their careers. Armed with a low CG, tough body frame and a kendo sword, he sends out an unspoken warning
to all opposing attackers who value their lives. Although already a monster physically, Albert's mind games and schemes makes him an
absolute mental behemoth. Has never been carded in his entire career, instead causing the referee to get sent off on countless occasions.
Arms flailing and kendo sword swinging, Albert is simply every opponent's nightmare. The official armskote IC of the team.
KENNETH - MC
A late inclusion into the Carebear ranks, Kenneth has quickly made himself at home. His occasional flashes of brilliance have proved to be
match winners, and his solid work rate and positive attitude has seen Carebear fans receive him warmly. A cousin of fellow Carebear David,
he aims to emulate his older cousin's successes, though not the wierd calls and flower hats.
TAKWEE - AML
If his shiny earrings don't dazzle you, Tak Wee's amazing ball skills will. As David constantly testifies, Tak Wee is unanimously the star
of the team, the vital link between defence and attack. His massive will to win is evident for all to see - he would rather lose his hair
than lose the game. Although he is flawless on the pitch, it is not so off it. Tak Wee is ambroiled in many scandals in his personal
life, his infamous XXX video with Annie and videos from the hidden cam installed in his toilet being just the tip of the scandalous
iceberg.
LIKOON - AMR
Affectionately known as 'Peanut' by his team-mates, Likoon has put his career at AMK under threat by refusing to sign the contract
offered by Carebear Utd, instead signing for the SAF on a 6 year deal. His ability to hold the ball and shoot from distance are his
main attributes. Has proved on several occasions that he is able to change the course of the game with a single pass....to the opposing
striker.
ER JIE - AMC
Angki Er Jie is his name, and attacking is his game. A veritable goalscorer, he is capable of nifty footwork and splitting passes as well.
Rumour has it that he was christened 'Orbit' in his early playing days as a reference to his off-target shots, but he has been quick to
deny it. His finishing has since improved by leaps and bounds. If he continues at this rate, he will surely be on his way to be the new
Carebear no. 1 Keeper. All the best, Angki!
KAI YI - PLAYMAKER
The brains of the team, Kai Yi is acknowledged as the original creator of 'The Movement', which has enabled Carebear Utd to dominate
courts and thrash opponents without even unleashing a single adjustable spanner. Constantly researching on new tactics and plays as well
as watching soccer videos for hours on end, Kai Yi has accumulated a wealth of knowledge in that footballing brain of his, threatening
to snatch the tag of 'The Professor' from Wenger himself. On the pitch, Kai Yi uses his footballing brain to great effect, creating
chances out of seemingly nothing and occassionally scoring some vital goals on his own. His intellect is matched only by Albert, who
always succeeds in counter-scheming Kai Yi's counter-scheme on Albert's counter-scheme on Kaiyi's counter-scheme on Albert's scheme.
YEE HUNG - FC
One of the finishers of the team, Yee Hung has not only honed his volleying/shooting skills with Carebear Utd, but also his goalkeeping
skills, thanks to the 'Scorer-Keeper' rule implemented by the team. Occasionally grumbles about lack of playing time thanks to him
scoring a goal in 5 minutes before keeping the goal for 20 minutes, but is generally happy to stay with the team. His loyalty is being
put under question currently with his frequent calls to 'disband', but is being persuaded to 'flail' by Albert and Co.
QUAN NING - FC
Temperamental striker, known to not show up for several matches consecutively. However when he does make an appearance he is bound to
dazzle the courts with his ball skills and sublime finishing, not to mention his deadly aerial ability. Able to head a ball harder and
more accurately than most mortals can kick it, Quan Ning is a devastating attacking presence to deal with. When he's present, of course.
ROONEY - SC
3 words - Hardcore Anyhow Zham. Scores goals by the dozen but misses chances by the million. Still, many would agree a score of 12-0
isn't too bad. His relentless running and accelerating has seen him clock Kenyan-killing mileage, and with his psychotic look complete
with crew cut and tucked in orange shirt, Rooney is definitely the nightmare of his opponents, and even his own teammates!
