***CAREBEAR UNITED***

CAREBEAR UNITED

We are a team of titans. True to our motto, we seek and destroy. Be it your defence, your attacks, or even your careers. With a death star angel watching over us, we are unbeatable. Our patented style, 'The Movement (TM)', allows us to put the ball in your net with or without your permission. Sometimes we even put it in ours. The point is, when you step on the pitch, be prepared for innocence lost and wounds that will never heal. By the time we are done dishing out our touching tackles and sentimental shots, you will wish you were in Patpong instead. Don't expect pity, only sincere laughter will greet your screams. And don't bother asking for a death row pardon either, it is already two minutes too late.

So the question you need to ask yourself now is...

DO YOU DARE...TO CARE?

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Welcome to the Homeground of the
CARE BEARS

Do you DARE to CARE?

TEAM TALK

[Wednesday, January 03, 2007]

Ang Mo Kio, Jan 1 (Routers) - Carebear United has been rocked by the sudden announcement of club playmaker Lee Kai Yi's transfer to an undisclosed London club. The loss of their key player has seen them instantly turn from title challengers to relegation battlers, a fact recognized by bookmaker Ah Boo Kee. The odds of the Bears winning the title are now 500/1, while they are 2/1 to make the drop to the Milo Godzilla Championship. Another ominous statistic for the Carebears is the sudden plunge in shirt sales worldwide except Korea, though Rain album sales were unaffected.

When approached, Kai Yi was still unable to confirm any details of his transfer. "When I'll be back, I don't know. I don't even know if I'll be coming back." When pressed further, he explained, "One thing leads to another and then... everyone who watches TV should know."

Fans have expressed their shock and disbelief, as Kai Yi had looked guaranteed of a new contract after his recent sterling performances. The players themselves were also caught unaware by this unexpected turn of events and were visibly saddened at the imminent loss of their team-mate and resident linguist/wordplayer.

Military midfielder Lee Li Koon put up a strong front and gave Kai Yi a soldier's send-off, but it was just a facade of his tearing self. "Known this guy for six years liao," Li Koon said. "He's a fucker, a good fren, a cock tokker, a good player. I wish him all the best and not forget the bunch of losers he always play soccer with."

A BIG BLOW

"It's hard to see a player like Kai Yi go." said Yee 'Safe Hands' Hung Pyo. "His creativity and attacking flair on the pitch and his wordplay and jokes off it will be sorely missed. The dressing room will never be the same again. I wish him the best of luck in England and its slower-paced, gentler Premier League, and I hope he will return to the club in time."

Quan van Ning, star striker of Carebears United, was still at a loss for words when interviewed. "Stay healthy" was all he could muster up before declining further comment.

It certainly looks like Kai Yi's departure has dealt a big blow to the club members. It did not help that when some players expressed their hope for a swift return to the club for Kai Yi, current No. 1 Wooki reminded them that its cathedral 'was built upon the bodies of the fallen'.

Known for their camaderie on the pitch and commentary off it, the Bears will have to pick themselves up from this sad episode if they are to beat the drop. Club gaffer Albertini led by example and refused to look at the dark side of things, instead choosing to focus on the good times.

He commented: "Will cherish the laughs and the arguments during these six years. Good luck in your future endeavours and hope to see you soon. ;-)"

Carebear fans, having grown used to the subtle underlying meanings of Albertini's words, scrutinized the emoticon and concluded that the smiley was shedding a tear, betraying Albertini's sadness. Albertini was subsequently fined two week's wages for flouting the tearjerker ban.

Brilliant ball-winner and wacky fashionista David also gave his sincere well-wishes. "Hey Kai Yi, enjoy yourself and please remember to take care..."

EMOTIONAL FAREWELL

Emotions ran high during a recent press conference, as Kai Yi made known his affection for the Bears and his reluctance to leave. "Some people say it's hard to leave everything behind. It really is." He told the press. "I really cherish and enjoy the time we spent together. We share a special happiness (besides all the red meat jokes) and I hope this is not the end but the beginning."

Ever the passionate player, he included an ominous warning to all current and would-be soccer players. "We're going to kick soccer till we're fifty," he vowed, sending trembles throughout the football arena.

The departure of Kai Yi brought out the soft side in the normally intimidating characters that make up the Carebears. Gothic goalie Wookie shed his skull-and-crossbones image for once to bid the popular playmaker farewell. He said: "Just wishing him all the best in England, it's time for him to pit his wits against the likes of Mourinho. And when he comes back next year, he will be a better player. We will certainly miss his versatile midfield play."

In a rare display of optimism which sent Korean fans swooning, he said: "I guess this trip might be a blessing in disguise since he has one year to rest his knee." However he quickly reverted to his cranky self. "Something which I think, most of us thinks is about god-damned time. We will miss him, and wish him many successful mind games with the big two. Farewell dude."

Even the forboding Tak Wee, who was always spared Kai Yi's hairdryer treatment (albeit for the wrong reasons), revealed his anguish at losing his team-mate. "Dubbed as the brain of the team, Kai Yi's departure will surely be a big loss to the team. He is by far the only one I've most understanding with up front, and I'll surely miss his tricks and flicks."

"All the best to you Kai Yi,we will never have a professor and wordplay master like you again."

It was with no small effort that our reporter finally caught up with tireless midfielder Jun "Energizer" Cheng for his comments. Ever the entrepreneur, Jun Cheng distilled valuable advice to his prodigious team-mate. "Scout out the opportunities in UK. We shall succeed together in the future." Emotions took over business as his firm expression softened (though his torso did not). "Take care bro."

World-class defender and resident Treant Jie Song remained decidedly philosophical, though his words were tinged with sadness. Quoting Richard Bach, he said: "Don't be dismayed at good byes. A farewell is necessary before you can meet again. And meeting again, after moments or lifetime, is certain for those who are friends.

"Will be missing your sublime passes, your wit.. your intelligent play on court, and wordplay off court..now there's no one to stop those who wanna ps from doing so...

"And lastly, a reminder to us when we all feel the urge to ps," he said in a barbed reference to the consistently late and absent (and Annie-loving as well), and quoted Charles M. Schulz. "Why can't we get all the people together in the world that we really like and then just stay together? I guess that wouldn't work. Someone would leave. Someone always leaves. Then we would have to say good-bye. I hate good-byes. I know what I need. I need more hellos."

BEARS VOW TO STAY STRONG

Although still reeling from the sudden loss, the Bears vow to stay strong and continue their winning exploits in the league. "We will still fight for honours," said Yee Hung Pyo. "This sudden transfer has served to remind us that soccer does not come first, the team does."

"A soccer match lasts 90 minutes but friendship lasts forever."

Albertini concurred: ""Red meat may last two weeks but friendship lasts forever."

And last but not least, Kai Yi nodded: "Friendship lasts forever."

The club has since released a testimonial slideshow to immortalize the exploits of Kai Yi at the hallowed grounds of the Ang Mo Kio Stadium.

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THE TEAM

WOOKIE - GK
The Barthez of the team, Wookie is the undisputed No.1 for Carebear Utd. Although not blessed with any of the relevant attributes of quick reflexes or ball handling, he compensates for it with his Korean Idol looks and Gothic bracelet/choker. His unique ability to self-destruct has irked many fans, but his sterling performances when he is on form quickly pacifies them. Many predict his position will be coming under threat in future from an up-and-coming keeper, Understudy, who was scouted from the AMK Academy. However till then, Wookie will continue to deputise between the sticks. Speaking of sticks, please do not injure your arm by piercing it with one.

JIESONG - DC
As Keeper of the Grove, Jie Song commands twin tree trunks which are indispensable for blocking shots, bulldozing past defenders etc. His quick acceleration from his triple jump days coupled with his raw strength makes him feared and respected on the field. His unique ability, the Force of Nature, consistently gets Carebear Utd out of trouble. If you thought Mother Nature was powerful, try taking on the Big Daddy...

DAVID - DC
A born sweeper, David possesses legs that can really sweep. His windscreen wiper technique of flailing his legs side to side creates an air vacuum, forming an impregnable fortress around him and driving opponents crazy trying to beat him. A fan favorite with his kinky accessories like flower hats, he can often be seen emitting wierd noises like 'nai nai' and 'lai lai' that confuse his opponents. When combined with Jie Song, the 2 form an unbeatable defence. His passion for soccer is only matched by his love for Zoids.

JUNCHENG - DC
Many an opposing striker has smelt a goal and gone in for the shot, only to find themselves staring at 6 solid rock hard abs. A rock in defence, Jun Cheng possesses lightning pace and acceleration and gives Carebear Utd additional attacking options with his incisive runs and decisive finishing. A fireman by occupation, but moonlights at night washing clothes with his natural washing board.

ALBERT - DMC
Knees. Shins. Ankles. Ligaments. You name it, he's zhammed it. The veritable defensive stalwart of the team, Albert destroys opponents' attacks as easily as he destroys their careers. Armed with a low CG, tough body frame and a kendo sword, he sends out an unspoken warning to all opposing attackers who value their lives. Although already a monster physically, Albert's mind games and schemes makes him an absolute mental behemoth. Has never been carded in his entire career, instead causing the referee to get sent off on countless occasions. Arms flailing and kendo sword swinging, Albert is simply every opponent's nightmare. The official armskote IC of the team.

KENNETH - MC
A late inclusion into the Carebear ranks, Kenneth has quickly made himself at home. His occasional flashes of brilliance have proved to be match winners, and his solid work rate and positive attitude has seen Carebear fans receive him warmly. A cousin of fellow Carebear David, he aims to emulate his older cousin's successes, though not the wierd calls and flower hats.

TAKWEE - AML
If his shiny earrings don't dazzle you, Tak Wee's amazing ball skills will. As David constantly testifies, Tak Wee is unanimously the star of the team, the vital link between defence and attack. His massive will to win is evident for all to see - he would rather lose his hair than lose the game. Although he is flawless on the pitch, it is not so off it. Tak Wee is ambroiled in many scandals in his personal life, his infamous XXX video with Annie and videos from the hidden cam installed in his toilet being just the tip of the scandalous iceberg.

LIKOON - AMR
Affectionately known as 'Peanut' by his team-mates, Likoon has put his career at AMK under threat by refusing to sign the contract offered by Carebear Utd, instead signing for the SAF on a 6 year deal. His ability to hold the ball and shoot from distance are his main attributes. Has proved on several occasions that he is able to change the course of the game with a single pass....to the opposing striker.

ER JIE - AMC
Angki Er Jie is his name, and attacking is his game. A veritable goalscorer, he is capable of nifty footwork and splitting passes as well. Rumour has it that he was christened 'Orbit' in his early playing days as a reference to his off-target shots, but he has been quick to deny it. His finishing has since improved by leaps and bounds. If he continues at this rate, he will surely be on his way to be the new Carebear no. 1 Keeper. All the best, Angki!

KAI YI - PLAYMAKER
The brains of the team, Kai Yi is acknowledged as the original creator of 'The Movement', which has enabled Carebear Utd to dominate courts and thrash opponents without even unleashing a single adjustable spanner. Constantly researching on new tactics and plays as well as watching soccer videos for hours on end, Kai Yi has accumulated a wealth of knowledge in that footballing brain of his, threatening to snatch the tag of 'The Professor' from Wenger himself. On the pitch, Kai Yi uses his footballing brain to great effect, creating chances out of seemingly nothing and occassionally scoring some vital goals on his own. His intellect is matched only by Albert, who always succeeds in counter-scheming Kai Yi's counter-scheme on Albert's counter-scheme on Kaiyi's counter-scheme on Albert's scheme.

YEE HUNG - FC
One of the finishers of the team, Yee Hung has not only honed his volleying/shooting skills with Carebear Utd, but also his goalkeeping skills, thanks to the 'Scorer-Keeper' rule implemented by the team. Occasionally grumbles about lack of playing time thanks to him scoring a goal in 5 minutes before keeping the goal for 20 minutes, but is generally happy to stay with the team. His loyalty is being put under question currently with his frequent calls to 'disband', but is being persuaded to 'flail' by Albert and Co.

QUAN NING - FC
Temperamental striker, known to not show up for several matches consecutively. However when he does make an appearance he is bound to dazzle the courts with his ball skills and sublime finishing, not to mention his deadly aerial ability. Able to head a ball harder and more accurately than most mortals can kick it, Quan Ning is a devastating attacking presence to deal with. When he's present, of course.

ROONEY - SC
3 words - Hardcore Anyhow Zham. Scores goals by the dozen but misses chances by the million. Still, many would agree a score of 12-0 isn't too bad. His relentless running and accelerating has seen him clock Kenyan-killing mileage, and with his psychotic look complete with crew cut and tucked in orange shirt, Rooney is definitely the nightmare of his opponents, and even his own teammates!