***CAREBEAR UNITED***

CAREBEAR UNITED

We are a team of titans. True to our motto, we seek and destroy. Be it your defence, your attacks, or even your careers. With a death star angel watching over us, we are unbeatable. Our patented style, 'The Movement (TM)', allows us to put the ball in your net with or without your permission. Sometimes we even put it in ours. The point is, when you step on the pitch, be prepared for innocence lost and wounds that will never heal. By the time we are done dishing out our touching tackles and sentimental shots, you will wish you were in Patpong instead. Don't expect pity, only sincere laughter will greet your screams. And don't bother asking for a death row pardon either, it is already two minutes too late.

So the question you need to ask yourself now is...

DO YOU DARE...TO CARE?

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Welcome to the Homeground of the
CARE BEARS

Do you DARE to CARE?

TEAM TALK

[Monday, October 23, 2006]

YEE-SPN NEWS

FANS ANGERED AT LACK OF BLOG ACTIVITY

Albertini is certainly feeling the pressure as club manager after fans called for his head in a violent protest over the lack of blog updates in the club blog. The blog, http://www.carebearunited.blogspot.com, has been largely left alone by the team after a sudden flurry of updates which quickly ran out of steam.

Fans are becoming increasingly disgruntled by the stagnant nature of the blog and have staged a protest along Orchard Road, burning Carebear toys and life-size effigies of Albertini, while carrying signs saying, 'WHERE ARE THE UPDATES?', 'ALBERTINI IS A MINI NINNY' being those among the least obscene. A fan, known only as Mr. Chee, even went around in a van shouting, 'Show me the updates!' through a loudhailer.

Albertini has since stepped up his personal security. YEE-SPN managed to reach Albertini for comment after foraging through thick Jie Song forests, dodging enhanced elbows and surviving a groin tackle from the man himself.

After taking down the reporter's name in his black notebook, Albertini proceeded with the interview. 'I have already put in 101% effort in bringing the blog back to life again, but the players have not responded to my call. It is disappointing,' he revealed.

'I hereby sincerely apologize to all fans,' He jiggled his shoulders here for effect, 'and will like to invite them to send in their particulars and an IC photo to my email so that I may compensate them.'

YEE-SPN also seeked out fellow Carebears for comment. Club captain Tak Wee could not be reached as he is currently racing in Tokyo on Mount Akina at the famed 5 hairloss bends.

Club goalie and misanthropian Wookie stated, 'It's not that we do not want to update. We are facing a serious case of writer's block. However my tips for the fans: The effigies are easier to burn if you impale them with a stick then burn them.'

Deadly striker and mechanical monster Rooney also commented, 'C442BRJD-145HHBB-225BHIDHEBD-29DHNKSH484.' Words of wisdom indeed.

For YEE-SPN personally, Yee is particularly happy at the way things are turning out. Having been a Level 1 Schemer ever since he joined Carebear Utd, he has been constantly and consistently the victim of Albertini's schemes. Now that Albertini will be out of the way soon, Yee can finally rest easy and kick his football without fear of a knee-high tackle or a kendo sword in the solar plexus.

Albertini has instructed Yee to publish a report on his downfall to quicken it. Yee has gladly agreed, and hopes that Albertini will be speedily dealt with by the fans for the lack of blog updates....

Blog updates?

Wait a minute....

Shit.

-=H.=- |10:27 PM|

[Saturday, October 21, 2006]

CAREBEARS TRIUMPH IN NIE INVITATIONAL 2006

It wasn’t the Tale of Two Cities, nor was it The Romance of the 3 Kingdoms. But you wouldn’t expect less of NIE Invitational 2006 where 4 teams were pitted against one another in the grounds of NIE. For the visually stimulated, there were scintillating soccer skills and breathing taking movements. For those more subtle, there were the conspiring mind games which no doubt provided the perfect curtain-riser to the event of the season.

Facing tough opponents like NIELegends Team 1, Team 2 and FC Marshaller, one could not blame Carebears pessimism with several keys player missing with the likes of Ah Quan and Rooney all away on personal reasons. Not to mention Carebear’s deadliest player in front of goal, be it friend or foe, Pnuto was also missing on national duties. With the transfer window closing down, Carebear United managed the coup of the season by loaning in Denzyl from Denzyl FC, at the dead of the hour. Carebears were then further boosted by the return of speedy defender JunCheng from Operation TauHway & Flapping Hair. Despite the sudden boost in his attack and defense, Bears marketing icon, Albertini, was still not convinced in his side ability and labeled his side as mere pretenders to the throne in his pre match interview. Such is the controversial nature of his speech that experts have discarded as mere mental games with NIELegends gaffer Kenny. However Albertini have reiterated that he is sincere in his words and urged the fans to treat him seriously. He proceeded to give a sincere laugh.

As so, the Team List stands as follows.
GK – Wooki

DC – Tax DC – JieSong DC – JC

DMC – Albertini

MC – Kaiyi MC – Angki

FW – Denzyl

SC – Yee Hung

Game 1
Carebears vs NIELegends Team 1

Being one of their old nemesis, NIELegends boosts a strong and powerful attack, but not one to stand down to challenges, Carebears decided to play the opponent's game and fielded a side focused on aggression and brute force with Jiesong, Tax and Albertini all known for their angst. To provide the element of class, there was Denzyl and Angki pulling their weight up front. The 2 sides started the game cautiously, neither being too adventurous. With the Bears not settling too well, NIELegends begin strutting their stuff and came close to drawing first blood as Kenny broke free from the reins of our defenders and faced a 1v1 with our keeper. Kenny drills in a shot at the bottom left hand corner. Reading the shot perfectly, Wooki got down in lightning speed and stopped the shot at point blank range right under his bulky frame. Kenny couldn’t believe his eyes and neither could we but knowing our keeper, we had no choice but to mince our words of praise and replace with discouraging remarks. Nonetheless, that save furthered reinforced Wooki position as the indispensable No. 1 of the Bears.

The first half soon ended with not much action. In our corner, we were given a dressing down by acting manager Kaiyi on our slack play and pussiness. Albertini was further given the hair dryer treatment for not administering his usual dirty and rough play. The 2nd half started soon enough and the Bears were battling once again. This time round, the bears had more purpose and resolve in their attack with Denzyl leading the front with his exquisite first touch and fanciful dribbling, proving more than a handful with his nutmegs and potshots. The midfield was also more steely with Albertini throwing friendship to the wind by manhandling his ex classmates and Angki linking up with Denzyl. In defense the force of nature was just too much to handle with Tax making foraging runs up the flanks. Finally, the Bears machine were clinking well and on its way. Following an interception from Jiesong, Tax controlled the ball and held off the challenges of 2 defenders and cut back the ball into the centre where Denzyl was waiting to pounce. He didn’t need a second invitation as he connected with a sweet strike and the rest is history.

NIELegends kick off. The Bears were mentally fired up and began to challenge for all balls. Their diligence were paid off as they broke down the attack of NIELegends from all parts of the court. As the game plays on, it was soon to reach the climax of the game. Denzyl getting the ball from midfield, proceeded on a mazy run into the heart of the NIELegends defense. It was a visual spectacular to say the least as he drew 1 defender in with a feint pass and did a body faint to elude the second and completed the motion with a draw back to escape the flailing legs of the 3rd defender. He faces Moo and calmly slotted in his 2nd of the game.

With the game firmly in the bag, the Bears were back to their usual fluid self and began stroking the ball around the court. The 3rd goal was a result of their teamwork as they maintained possession and then Tax providing the killer blow by striking the ball into the Legends net for the 3rd of the game. The Legends did reciprocate with a goal from their side but it was all too late as the Bears survived a late barrage to their goal to emerge winners.

Final Score: 3-1
Man of the Match: Denzyl for his brace and his contribution to attack. However, Wooki also deserves special mention for his part in keeping the bears in the game in the 1st half.

1st win. Was more to follow?

Game 2
Legends Team 2 vs FC Marshaller

What was viewed by most to be a walk over match for FC Marshaller turned out to be a great upset for Agent Orange and a great asset for CB United. FC Marshaller marched onto the field, brimming with confidence and overflowing with muscles. However, Legends 2 spotted the classic Chelsea stratagem of crowding the back. And to FC Marshaller’s moans and groans, and to CB united cheers and jubilations, not to mention to the final whistle of the refree, Legends beat Marshaller 1 to nil.

Game 3
Carebears vs Legends 2

Once again, Albertini’s ingenious match schedule fixing skills comes in to play, pitting a well rested CB United against a match fatigued Legends 2. While Legends 2 were given time to rest, they certainly paled in comparison to their starting form. Literally. Despite being the back string players for NIE Legends, they have shown themselves to be versatile in both attack and defense. However, they relied too much on the much loved (only be Chelsea fans)/hated (the rest of the world) lets-crowd-the-back tactic, and showed the scouts what camping really was. Even ex FC Scout player Albertini gave his stamp of approval.

CB United, undaunted by this fine display of Scoutsmanship, brought the game to them, using a deadly combination of wit, subtle movements and The Movement, the Carebears not only managed to overcome a defense tighter then Tze Ho’s ass(hole), but simply demolished the opposition. His football highness Denzyl, mid-field maestro Kaiyi, super keeper and sometimes striker Yee Hung, the ever scheming Albertini, and the Magnetic feet Tak, all landed their names on the score sheet, with a whopping score of 5 – 0 at the final whistle.

Park Yee Hung opened the Carebear's account with a well placed shot from the right, drilling an unstoppable curler into the top left hand corner after being picked out by his highness Denzyl. A beautiful mixture of dribbling and killer finishing. 1 – 0!

Kaiyi, having started the movement for the first goal, created his own chances with a series of dribbles and 1 – 2s between several team mates. Taking a calm and collected shot at goal from an angle, he easily placed the ball into the right top corner of the net. 2- 0!

Not to be outshone by his fellow team mates, Tak Wee wandered upfield with the ball in toll after another well timed intercept. Passing the ball to Kaiyi and letting him work his magic on the defenders, Tak switched flanks to the right, allowing Kaiyi to easily pass the ball to him. The ever steady Tak took the shot without even breaking a sweet, or dropping a hair. 3 – 0!

Living up to his name of the Maestro, Kaiyi won the ball after a tough mid field battle that saw an incredible amount of casualty, (actual count was 0). Bypassing a defender with all skill and grace, he picked out Albertini with a superb through pass. Albertini weaved his own brand of magic by calmly chipping the opposing keeper, with his toe. The famous toe poke lives on forever in the halls of infamy. 4 – 0, and the end of the first half.

The second half was like a different game altogether, with each team probing the other’s defense without making any significant improvements to the scoreline. However, Kai Yi was able to slot in a goal from mid field when he found himself unmarked. That aside, there were fine displays of the movement though none resulted in any goals. Wooki was only tested once when Legends 2 was given a free kick 20 yards out. The opposing player shot went between Albertini and Tak Wee, heading straight for the goal, only to be parried away by Wooki.

All in all, a wonderful outing by the bears and a terrible conclusion to a fairy tale for the Legends 2.

Game 4
NIELegends Team 1 vs FC Marshaller

Based on the table, the Carebears on 2 high-scoring wins and the rest with 1 win and a loss, this was a decisive match, upon which if the result was a draw, the title will be the Carebears to take without the need for a 3rd match.

However, it was not to be so easy for the Carebears, as FC Marshaller soundly beat Legends 1 6-3, with some displays of exquisite marshalling from the Marshaller himself, brilliantly diverting traffic flow with his orange vest, red flag, and relentless barking.

It was end-to-end action throughout the match, with the Legends 1 refusing to give up despite falling behind right from the start of the match. However their efforts to get back into the game were obliterated like Kaiyi's kneecap by the man in orange.

The title must now be fought for between the Carebears and FC Marshaller!

*********FINAL*********
Carebears vs FC Marshaller

Again, Albertini showed his brilliant match schedule fixing skills with the Carebears fully rested and up-and-ready for the game, while FC Marshaller were tired out from their exertions beating Legends 1. Ignoring accusations of bungs and match-fixing allegations, the Carebears went onto the pitch brimming with deluded self-confidence. However, the match was lost even before the ball was kicked, thanks to the fateful coin toss to settle who would play with their shirts on, and who would play topless.

Fate dealt the Carebears a cruel hand as we lost the coin toss and proceeded to bare our slick and well-defined physiques for the world to see. Although our fan base dramatically increased with our topless display, our play was disrupted and we were also now more vulnerable to enemy scratches and manhandles.

As the match wore on we discovered we had greatly underestimated the sheer aggression and dirtiness of the Orange Man. Unbeknownst to the Carebears, hidden behind that deranged countenance was an equally crazed personality, as the Carebears found themselves manhandled, scratched, dirty-tackled, in a word, marshalled, by the Marshaller.

His team-mates were also visibly lifted by their psychotic defender, and lifted their game to another level by stooping to the lower level of physical play. Tempers frayed and temperatures rose as tackles flew left right centre. The Carebears learnt to appreciate their jerseys as their naked torsos were battered, scratched and abused by the opponents.

FC Marshaller was dominating the game and they took the lead as Lady Luck smiled on them once again. From a kick-in, the taker directly shot for goal. The ball deflected off Jun Cheng's leg, and deflected against Wookie's knee one more time before nestling into the bottom corner of the net. 1-0 to FC Marshaller!

The Carebears could not find a way into the game and never really looked like threatening the FC Marshaller goal. We could make it past their forwards and their midfield, but when it came to the defence we could do nothing as we were all efficiently diverted into football oblivion by the ominous red flag of the Marshaller, whose aggression saw him use his stocky frame to great effect, not to mention his brutal nails upon our tender naked torsos.

The Carebears found themselves further back with another lame goal. During a goalmouth scramble in front of the Carebear goal the ball inadvertently hit Takwee in the arm. Although it was a blatant case of ball to hand, the referee did not hesitate to blow for a penalty, which was put away with ease. 2-0 to FC Marshaller!

It was too great a deficit to recover from for the Carebears. Like doing plastic surgery on 2WO MIE, the Carebears knew it was futile to try to play beautiful as ugly tackles, ugly marshalling and dirt ugly faces dominated the court.

Finally it ended 2-0 to FC Marshaller. An ugly game, an ugly end to the Carebear United quest for the title, but deep down in our hearts, both the one on our tummies and the one inside our torsos, we knew we could hold our heads high. Although we could not defend our title, we defended everything that soccer stood for. By refusing to get down and dirty and instead maintaining our dignity and honour, we flew the JOGA BONITO flag high and did Eric Cantona proud.

Videos of dirty play by FC Marshaller have been taken down and promptly posted to Eric Cantona for his reference and neccessary actions. Prepare to see new advertisements on JOGA TV denouncing the art of marshalling in the near future.

brought to you by reporters:
Albert
Wookie
Kaiyi
Yee

-=H.=- |11:32 PM|

[Sunday, October 01, 2006]

YEE-SPN NEWS

CAREBEARS APPRECIATE THE LITTLE THINGS

Strange happenings are abound within the Carebears as our intrepid reporter visited them at their AMK homeground. In the midst of interviewing sentimental playmaker Kai Yi, our reporter discovered a mosquito on his left cheek.

Suddenly Albertini rushed towards Kai Yi, his face a visage of righteous determination. With sheer care and concern for his team mate, Albertini promptly delivered a timely elbow across Kai Yi's face.

After Kai Yi recovered from the blow (the mosquito didn't and never will), Albert showed him the battered corpse of the mosquito on his elbow. Time stood still at that moment as Kai Yi slowly realised the magnitude of the occasion.

Immediately the wind began to blow, as Kai Yi dropped upon his knees, his eyes towards the heavens. Albertini slowly raised his arms in triumph and utter victory, relishing the vengeance that he had wrought on the evil now splattered across his elbow. The rest of the players began to cheer and hug each other, celebrating the vanquishing of evil upon the hallowed courts of AMK. Meanwhile David played touching music on his piano, his tears slowly staining the ivories.

It was an unforgettable sight to behold, and tears welled up in our reporters' eyes. Those tears fell in rivers as Kai Yi gazed straight at the heavens and bellowed mightily, 'YEEEESSSSSSSS!!!'

The roar echoed through the streets of AMK, as the residents stuck their heads out from their windows. They too began to cheer their hearts out. Neighbours hugged each other in tight embrace, their tears staining each other's clothes. Flags of victory were unfurled and the streets became alive in a myriad of colours.

After what seemed an eternity, Kai Yi finally got up and approached our reporter. 'The moral of the story is - For every little good thing in life...CHEERS.'

In the background, Albertini gave a sincere nod of approval.

US AND N.KORIA PUT ASIDE NUCLEAR TALKS, BEGIN NEW TALKS ON LETHAL ROBOTS

The ongoing nuclear talks between the US and North Koria have been put aside as a more pressing issue was laid on the table. US military intelligence have spotted a lethal Korean killing machine currently undergoing testing in Singapore. Disguised as a maniacal football player, the US intelligences have seen enough to confirm the threat it will pose to world peace and security.

Footage from spy planes showing the rogue robot footballer was played in front of the UN Assembly. Audible gasps were heard throughout the video even before the video was played, as the menacing visage of a crew-cut behemoth in orange and green was shown. As the bloody and brutal content was played out, loud gasps and screams were heard from the audience, of which 75% suffered heart attacks.

The remaining members of the assembly gave their opinions of the machine after the video was shown.

'From what we've seen, a new threat to world peace has come upon us. I can hear the soggy pants, I can just hear it!!!'

'A machine who can volley its own cross and save it and score on the counterattack all on its own....'

'The shocking thing is its intelligence...how many robot scholars have you seen?'

North Koria has refused to back down on its robotic program. 'Our model R00113Y is peaceful and only made for the purposes of soccer,' leading scientist Roh Boh Gyo stated. 'He is peace-loving and will never harm anyone unless the person makes an errant Koon pass.'

Talks have been scheduled over the next few weeks. Watch this space.

-=H.=- |8:23 PM|

THE TEAM

WOOKIE - GK
The Barthez of the team, Wookie is the undisputed No.1 for Carebear Utd. Although not blessed with any of the relevant attributes of quick reflexes or ball handling, he compensates for it with his Korean Idol looks and Gothic bracelet/choker. His unique ability to self-destruct has irked many fans, but his sterling performances when he is on form quickly pacifies them. Many predict his position will be coming under threat in future from an up-and-coming keeper, Understudy, who was scouted from the AMK Academy. However till then, Wookie will continue to deputise between the sticks. Speaking of sticks, please do not injure your arm by piercing it with one.

JIESONG - DC
As Keeper of the Grove, Jie Song commands twin tree trunks which are indispensable for blocking shots, bulldozing past defenders etc. His quick acceleration from his triple jump days coupled with his raw strength makes him feared and respected on the field. His unique ability, the Force of Nature, consistently gets Carebear Utd out of trouble. If you thought Mother Nature was powerful, try taking on the Big Daddy...

DAVID - DC
A born sweeper, David possesses legs that can really sweep. His windscreen wiper technique of flailing his legs side to side creates an air vacuum, forming an impregnable fortress around him and driving opponents crazy trying to beat him. A fan favorite with his kinky accessories like flower hats, he can often be seen emitting wierd noises like 'nai nai' and 'lai lai' that confuse his opponents. When combined with Jie Song, the 2 form an unbeatable defence. His passion for soccer is only matched by his love for Zoids.

JUNCHENG - DC
Many an opposing striker has smelt a goal and gone in for the shot, only to find themselves staring at 6 solid rock hard abs. A rock in defence, Jun Cheng possesses lightning pace and acceleration and gives Carebear Utd additional attacking options with his incisive runs and decisive finishing. A fireman by occupation, but moonlights at night washing clothes with his natural washing board.

ALBERT - DMC
Knees. Shins. Ankles. Ligaments. You name it, he's zhammed it. The veritable defensive stalwart of the team, Albert destroys opponents' attacks as easily as he destroys their careers. Armed with a low CG, tough body frame and a kendo sword, he sends out an unspoken warning to all opposing attackers who value their lives. Although already a monster physically, Albert's mind games and schemes makes him an absolute mental behemoth. Has never been carded in his entire career, instead causing the referee to get sent off on countless occasions. Arms flailing and kendo sword swinging, Albert is simply every opponent's nightmare. The official armskote IC of the team.

KENNETH - MC
A late inclusion into the Carebear ranks, Kenneth has quickly made himself at home. His occasional flashes of brilliance have proved to be match winners, and his solid work rate and positive attitude has seen Carebear fans receive him warmly. A cousin of fellow Carebear David, he aims to emulate his older cousin's successes, though not the wierd calls and flower hats.

TAKWEE - AML
If his shiny earrings don't dazzle you, Tak Wee's amazing ball skills will. As David constantly testifies, Tak Wee is unanimously the star of the team, the vital link between defence and attack. His massive will to win is evident for all to see - he would rather lose his hair than lose the game. Although he is flawless on the pitch, it is not so off it. Tak Wee is ambroiled in many scandals in his personal life, his infamous XXX video with Annie and videos from the hidden cam installed in his toilet being just the tip of the scandalous iceberg.

LIKOON - AMR
Affectionately known as 'Peanut' by his team-mates, Likoon has put his career at AMK under threat by refusing to sign the contract offered by Carebear Utd, instead signing for the SAF on a 6 year deal. His ability to hold the ball and shoot from distance are his main attributes. Has proved on several occasions that he is able to change the course of the game with a single pass....to the opposing striker.

ER JIE - AMC
Angki Er Jie is his name, and attacking is his game. A veritable goalscorer, he is capable of nifty footwork and splitting passes as well. Rumour has it that he was christened 'Orbit' in his early playing days as a reference to his off-target shots, but he has been quick to deny it. His finishing has since improved by leaps and bounds. If he continues at this rate, he will surely be on his way to be the new Carebear no. 1 Keeper. All the best, Angki!

KAI YI - PLAYMAKER
The brains of the team, Kai Yi is acknowledged as the original creator of 'The Movement', which has enabled Carebear Utd to dominate courts and thrash opponents without even unleashing a single adjustable spanner. Constantly researching on new tactics and plays as well as watching soccer videos for hours on end, Kai Yi has accumulated a wealth of knowledge in that footballing brain of his, threatening to snatch the tag of 'The Professor' from Wenger himself. On the pitch, Kai Yi uses his footballing brain to great effect, creating chances out of seemingly nothing and occassionally scoring some vital goals on his own. His intellect is matched only by Albert, who always succeeds in counter-scheming Kai Yi's counter-scheme on Albert's counter-scheme on Kaiyi's counter-scheme on Albert's scheme.

YEE HUNG - FC
One of the finishers of the team, Yee Hung has not only honed his volleying/shooting skills with Carebear Utd, but also his goalkeeping skills, thanks to the 'Scorer-Keeper' rule implemented by the team. Occasionally grumbles about lack of playing time thanks to him scoring a goal in 5 minutes before keeping the goal for 20 minutes, but is generally happy to stay with the team. His loyalty is being put under question currently with his frequent calls to 'disband', but is being persuaded to 'flail' by Albert and Co.

QUAN NING - FC
Temperamental striker, known to not show up for several matches consecutively. However when he does make an appearance he is bound to dazzle the courts with his ball skills and sublime finishing, not to mention his deadly aerial ability. Able to head a ball harder and more accurately than most mortals can kick it, Quan Ning is a devastating attacking presence to deal with. When he's present, of course.

ROONEY - SC
3 words - Hardcore Anyhow Zham. Scores goals by the dozen but misses chances by the million. Still, many would agree a score of 12-0 isn't too bad. His relentless running and accelerating has seen him clock Kenyan-killing mileage, and with his psychotic look complete with crew cut and tucked in orange shirt, Rooney is definitely the nightmare of his opponents, and even his own teammates!