TEAM TALK
[Thursday, September 21, 2006]
Police probe Care Bear United keeper 'dustbin kick' claimCare Bear United goalkeeper Wookie faces a police probe after he was accused of kicking a dustbin at Justice League fans.
The Chinese/Korean/Gotham international was accused of booting the dustbin into the East Stands during Wednesday’s Premiership match at Ang Mo Kio Street 31.
A police spokesman said: ‘We have received one complaint in relation to an allegation that a dustbin was kicked into the crowd during the Justice League v Care Bear United match on Wednesday 9 August.
‘It is alleged the dustbin was kicked from the pitch into the East Stand.
‘Officers are investigating the allegation and inquiries are ongoing.’
The high-tension match finished with the Care Bears purging the Justice League from the courts with late goals from Wookie and Park Yee Hung.
Earlier, Wookie was zhammed in the face from close range by a shot from Justice League’s hulking Green Lantern.
He was knocked down and took several minutes to recover, before making an impressive blunder at the end see Care Bear United relegated to the bench once more. But this proved to be a turning point as the Care Bears decided to play their keeper outfield and this tactical revision resulted in Wookie bagging a goal and setting up Park Yee Hung for the win.
The rivalry between the clubs has led to aggression both on and off the pitch in recent months.
In August pieces of red meat were thrown in the players’ tunnel after Care Bear United lost their reign as Justice League introduced themselves for the first time. The incident became known as the ‘Battle of the Buffet’.
Care Bear United midfielder Pnuto was fined £5,000 after his spat with JL fullback The Flash during Care Bear United’s defeat in August 2006.
Tako praised for revealing abuse
Care Bear United defender Tako Pachi received accolades from anti-abuse crusaders for revealing the abuse one of his teammates suffered at NIE.
Tako, 20, elucidated in his new book ‘Tako: Not Just An Octopus Ball’ how a Care Bear United teammate was abused for his nationality by an esteemed opponent during a game.
Kew Tzee, director of the Leave Them Out anti-ostracize campaign and ambassador of the Que-Zee gang, believes Tako has set an exemplary example by speaking out about problems in the game, even though ostracism on the pitch is not seen as a huge predicament.
Tzee told EA Sport: 'It takes someone like Tako to remind us to understand how far we have come. There may be other players getting ostracized for other things – such as hearing impediment, premature balding, perpetual tardiness, tendency to make bizarre noises on the pitch, uncanny allurement to gothic paraphernalia and red meat, dumpiness – the list is not exhaustive and speaking out over abuse can highlight that.
‘Tako has been one of the players who has always been late --- I mean he’s one of those who has been trying to accentuate all that lately.’
Care Bear United center-back Tako insists there are ‘pockets’ of abuse in the Singaporean game.
He was not allowed (for his career’s sake) to divulge the identity of the person in his book, which is being serialized by Al Exposé (a tabloid edited by renowned correspondent Albertini), but described the person as someone who ‘comes over as quite a nice bloke’.
‘I heard it loud and clear. He said, ‘Where’s your kimchi striker?’ That’s suggesting that my teammate is North Korean. He’s not North Korean, he’s just Korean.’
‘I’m thinking, ‘Am I hearing this right? Of course I’m hearing this right, I can’t hear left!
‘Some players resort to such tactics to ostracize their teammates. Sometimes it works, which makes it even more depressing.’
Tzee admitted he was surprised to read Tako’s story, adding: ‘I have heard other stories, scandalous ones by Albertini and fabricated ones when Tako comes late for training, but not this particular one, and it is a very interesting revelation.
'There was a time when players were having problems with ostracism on the field of play but now it appears that no longer exists, so Tako's story is a shock.’
More News Updates
In the wake of the tapping up affair of Care Bear United’s eccentric goalmouth guardian, Wookie, another member of the Care Bear United has made the headlines for the same reason.
Care Bear United’s electrifying defensive midfielder was spotted in a restaurant, sitting opposite Justice League Chief Executive, Pitter Canyon.
This has fueled speculations in the media that Albertini has fallen out with Care Bear United’s assiduous target man Rooney and Tak Junior, who is on loan from Tak Junior FC, and is looking to join the Justice League.
Albertini, 20, was spotted leaving the pitch in a huff after Tak Junior gave away the ball on the edge of a box, which saw the Care Bears eliminated in a match at their home grounds in Ang Mo Kio. He was heard saying that he would never play on the same team as Tak Junior again. Some said they saw him kick the dustbin, while others heard him say, ‘See you next week.’
Other gossip has it that Albertini, after failing to win the MVCEP for consecutive weeks, has fallen out of favor and is frozen out of the first team. He was absent from most of the action when the Care Bears dominated the courts at Ang Mo Kio, instead watching the match from the sidelines. Critics have seen this as a sign of Albertini’s diminishing era of dominance.
However, fans of Albertini are sure that he would stay on with the club that has stood by him and groomed him to be the demolition midfielder he is today, and continue to shine.
‘Albertini would definitely stay. He is just waiting for a chance to pangseh the Justice League,’ a fan told Yee-SPN reporters.
‘If he says he’ll stay, he’ll stay.’
Albertini joined Care Bears United from Scouts FC and quickly established himself at the club. Continuing to shine in his role as a holding mid, and has developed his attacking arsenal to include amazing through-passes and unstoppable toe-pokes, Albertini is without a doubt, indispensable to the club. The only silverware to elude him is the Most Valuable Career Ending Player (MVCEP for short), and it is only a matter of time before Albertini has his elbow on it.
[Tuesday, September 19, 2006]
YEE-SPN NEWS UPDATEWookie spotted in Roman's yacht, sparks rumors of tapping upCarebear United star keeper Wookie has hit the headlines for all the right reasons lately, with his flawless performances and blossoming love life. However he has found himself in the spotlight for the wrong reasons this time, after pictures of him on board the Abramovich yacht were released to the press.
In the pictures he is seen eating red meat served under a desk and happily chatting with the Russian billionaire. There has been increased speculation over Wookie's future at Carebear United after his sparkling displays over the past few weeks, and this incident only serves to reinforce the suspicion that he will be donning the Blues jersey (with matching ear chain or course) sooner rather than later.
Carebear United gaffer Yuhui has slammed his star keeper during a press conference. 'After putting our faith in him for so long, tolerating his blunders and his no-look passes, he has finally hit his peak and how does he repay us?' He snarled as he slammed his crutches on the floor to make his point. 'We were the only ones who spotted that undeniable talent in him that fateful day in Sentosa, and since then we knew we had a mouldy diamond in our hands. We never knew him to be in the Ashley Cole mould, pardon the pun.'
Wookie has also released a statement, passionately denying his presence on board the yacht. 'I have never come near that boat. My heart is fully with Carebear Utd and Mdm. Wookie.'
'So you are saying if we knew better, those pictures were taken by a lousy camera without anti-shake and edited with Photoshop?', said a reporter sarcastically.
'I sincerely came here to prove my innocence, and what do I f****** get?' Wookie then left in a huff, but had the courtesy to thank the reporters before leaving. 'Thanks a f****** ton.'
The rest of the Carebears have since rallied around their gothic goalie.
'By my calculations and predictions, coupled with my experience from watching Youtube videos and reading soccer books, Wookie will never sign for Chelsea.' assured club schemer Kaiyi.
Yee-SPN also asked club captain Tak Wee on his views but he pretended not to hear us.
'I knew he would do something like this. He is a disruptive influence on the team,' mumbled the cute and innocent Albertini, not looking up from the computer screen as he waited for Photoshop to load.
The drama continues to unfold as Carebear United stands to lose one of their star performers this season. A possible backlash of any Wookie move will also be the massive drops in shirt sales, with the loss of support from his Korean fan base and Gothic followers.
[Sunday, September 17, 2006]
Bears Down N Out!
After the poor showing of the defense last week against NIE legends, CBUnited needed to prove to their fans that they are not just a motley crew of gothic prince and training rebel. The day started brightly with CBUnited dominating the early possessions. However, as with all games, CBUnited thought they had the game under wraps and began indulging in some fanciful passing and wasteful finishing.
Bears punished! Bears were kicked out of the court for the umpteen time.
To add salt to the wound, CBUnited were greeted with the sight of their long time nemesis, JL. As the entrance music of Justice League sounded, Batman, Green Lantern and Daredevil touched down on the court with blinding light. The Bears were just about to give up and leave when suddenly, a strange darkness descended upon the court enveloping even the holy light of the JL. As all eyes turned to the heavens, they saw the sun being swallowed up by a dark shadow. To the untrained eye, it will be interpreted a mere eclipse, but to resident doctor/actor/weatherlogist, Dr Albertini, it was the sign of the alignment of the 8 planets.
As quickly as it came, it went. Resident doctor/actor/weatherlogist/prohept saw this as a sign from the heavens and urged the Bears to play on. Whenever, Albertini says something, it was bound to be true as we saw a drastic change in Bears No.1 Keeper Wooki. His usual pudgy frame became a stocky pillar, holding up the skies. His impaled hand was free of stick and branches. Instead he had on his trusty gloves albeit with a ounce of mould on it. The matches began once again.
CBUnited finding new strength in their keeper went on to dominate the courts again for 2 matches with Kaiyi and Ah Guan finding the opponent net once and again with telepathic understanding and fluid movement on the court. However, they could not steal the limelight from Wooki. During the dominating period, Wooki produced several miraculous saves one would thought impossible cept for YeeHung. However, Wooki could not shake off his tagline of 1 self destruct each match as he came out of his goal line and palmed a ball into his own net. The Bears are devastated but could not bear to blame their keeper who had kept them in the match for so long.
Highlights:
Wooki with a flying save. Superman who?
YeeHung leaves the court in a huff after getting the hair dryer treatment from the manager
Wooki denies Green Lantern, then Daredevil in quick succession.
Albertini leaves the court in a huff as Tak Junior gave the ball away in front of goal, and gave the opponent a free goal.
Wooki blocks a goal bound shot with his huge frame
Kaiyi leaves the court in a limp as his career got ended with a solid crunching tackle to his knees.
Wooki sprawls across his goal, getting a fingernail to a ball. Bears are rescued again.
MATCH REPORT
Venue: Boon Keng Stadium
Timing: 1100hrs
REAL Timing: 1145hrs
Score: Tak Snrs 9 - 3 Tak's Bears
Training rebel Tax made amends for his previous altercations with his club by once again putting family ties aside to fight for the Carebear cause, proving that blood is thicker than water, but bloodshed is even better.
Speaking about family, today saw the rare appearance of Mdm. Wookie, who turned out to be Yee's junior in HCJC. As the author writes, Albertini is already scheming to take advantage of this past history to cause conflict between Wookie and Yee, ultimately leaving the club with no able goalkeepers.
Right from the start, the Carebears found themselves overwhelmed by the opposition. If one Tak is fearsome, imagine two older Taks with more hair and good hearing. However the Carebears played their hearts out (the inner one, not the one displayed on their tummies) and never gave up their attacking philosophy.
The first half saw the Carebear defence wanting, and if not for the heroics of Wookie, the Carebears could have found themselves out for the count. The mean Taks had no problems ignoring Yee, turning small Tak inside out, running circles round Li Koon and bulldozing past Albert. But when it came to the final shot, they found themselves facing a Wall named Wookie.
Shot after shot flew towards goal. Save after save came from the love-propelled fingertips of Wookie. The mean Taks tore their hair in frustration while small Tak kept what he had left. The rest of the Carebears could only look on in admiration while Mdm. Wookie must have felt her heart bursting, for it is a rare man who handles his balls so well.
However with the defence all at sea there was only so many miracles Wookie could perform. Single save, double save, triple save, but when it came to the fourth shot Wookie finally displayed his mortality and conceded the goals. The mean Taks found themselves 2-0 up with slick finishes. Sadly, despite the individual brilliance of Wookie, it was not so at the other end, where the Li and Yee combo fired blanks from all angles.
However the Carebears were never going to surrender the game to the older Taks. Inspired by their mouldy keeper, they brought the game to the opposition, and got into the game once again with an angled finish from Li Koon. A defence-splitting pass by Albert to Li Koon on the left flank is brilliantly placed into the top right of the net. The Carebears were back in the game!!!...Until they found themselves 3-1 down shortly after with Tak No.2 making the most out of a one-on-one with Wookie, slotting home from close range. Can the Carebears flail out of this one?
They do! Tak's measured lob towards Yee on the left is expertly chested down and volleyed into the bottom right of the net. 3-2!!! Again, utter frustration for the Carebears as the senior Taks convert once again to make it 4-2. Again, Wookie stood up to the task and got his hand to the ball but could not keep out the angled shot from the opposing striker. But our very own small Tak has some schemes up his sleeves...
From a throw-in on the left he picks out Li Koon who heads it superbly past the keeper. The Carebears just would not give up without a fight!!! Faced with mounting exhaustion and tiredness, the Carebears gritted their teeth, stiffened their upper lip, and...called for half-time.
Half-time score: 4-3
Full-time score:9-3We apologize for this short and undescriptive commentary on the 2nd half, but the commentator is still reeling from the multiple blows that the Carebears suffered. The short rendevous between Mr. and Mrs Wookie during the half-time break turned out to be disastrous, as Wookie's focus was thoroughly disrupted which saw him concede a few soft goals.
Tiredness caught up with the Carebears, who were unable to maintain the high tempo of the game in the second half despite their best efforts. Despite a few short displays of
the movement, they were unable to convert their chances and were a letdown on the final ball.
The final nail in the Carebear Coffin (now at a 90% discount, buy 1 get 5 free promotion after the 9-3 drubbing) came when Tak No.2 found himself with acres of space with only Wookie to beat. Albertini, seeing his only friend in danger, threw his exhaustion out of his mind and rushed forward to aid his comrade.
Hence was the build-up to today's MVCEP award-winning moment. As the striker placed his shot past Wookie without any contact with both defender and keeper, the duo clashed with each other with immense force as the keeper rushed out and the defender rushed in. The jury is out on who will win the award, given both had the same intent. The result of the clash shall decide the winner of the award...
And the unanimous winner is of course, Wookie! Albert could only roll on the ground in exaggerated pain as his knee went bust, while Wookie's one was fortified with the power of love and he did not even feel a thing.
Once again, without their star defender and drenched in sweat, the Carebears gritted their teeth, stiffened their upper lip...and called for full-time.
All in all, it was a fruitful day for the Carebears, who had occasional flashes of brilliance and short spurts of
the movement. But even so, there is room for improvement for all the players, save for Wookie who won not just the MVP award, the MVCEP award, but also the heart of Mdm. Wookie with his sterling display. Congrats!!
MVCEP: Absolutely Wookie, without a doubt. Love hurts. Just ask Albert.
Star defender David making speedy recovery
After the near career ending tackle from BCCT Instructors FC, Bears star David is making some speedy recovery under the meticulous care of his mother. We now track his route to recovery as our resident doctor/actor and correspondent Dr Albertini went down for a house visit.
Dr Albertini: Hi David. You are looking fine. How is the hand?
David: Fine thanks!
Dr Albertini: Do you have anything to say to the person who injured you?
David:
DrAlbertini: Glad to see that you are taking this so positively. Few are as optimistic as you. During your recuperation, we have heard that you have conjured a new type of qing gong that allows you to travel at deafening speed. Care to show us a demonstration?
David:
Dr Albertini: Thanks David! That was amazing. If we didn’t know better, we would have thought that the picture was taken by a lousy camera without anti shake. Lastly, would you like to shout something to your fans who have been so concerned about your inhury?
David: Lei-Lei??!!
Dr Albertini: All right thanks for the interview David. We hope you will soon grace the court with you weird calls and flailing legs.
[Tuesday, September 12, 2006]
YEE-SPN BREAKING NEWSALBERTINI MAKES HISTORY BY GRABBING 5 AWARDS WITH ONE SINGLE ACTIONAlbertini has wrote his name into the annals of history by earning 5 awards with an awe-inspiring display of strength, skill and finesse during a soccer match at the Carebears' Ang Mo Kio homeground.
Finding himself marked by a defender as he tried to make his way up the pitch, Albertini performed a textbook body feint, deceiving his marker before pushing the ball past him. The non-plussed defender, finding himself beaten, stuck out a boot in a vain attempt to win back the ball. Unbeknownst to the unfortunate defender, his desperate action would bring out the best in Albertini and prompt the most spectacular performance in soccer history...
The stage was set, and Albertini was not about to shy away from the spotlight. Without making the slightest physical contact with the boot, Albertini launched his stocky frame into mid-air with such grace and hang-time it would put Michael Jordan to shame.
Hanging in mid-air with his face contorted in incomprehensible pain, his arms flailing rhythmically as would a bumblebee in flight, Albertini shattered all paradigms that grace and brute power are mutually exclusive. After what seemed like eternity, he slowly descended upon the concrete as would an angel alighting from the heavens. But the best was yet to be...
The 'thud' which resounded as Albertini finally hit the floor was deafening, a thundering sound which made the spectators reach for their ears and the referee reach for his pocket. How such an elegant fall could produce such a red-card inducing sound, we as mortals will never know. And though the spectators covered their ears, they found they could not even blink their eyes as the spectacle unfolded...
Albertini rolled on the hard concrete, his body twisting with magnificent torque, as he covered almost a quarter of the pitch. The number of revolutions gradually decreased as Albertini slowly lost momentum, and the audience anticipated the end of the performance. But little did they know, that the drop in revolutions did not entail that Albertini had reached the conclusion of his performance. Instead, Albertini had only reached 'biting point'...
As he slowed almost to a halt, Albertini drew gasps from the entire stadium and audiences worldwide. Defying all laws of physics, with a superhuman burst of sheer brute strength he launched himself into the air again with a leap that would put Free Willy to shame. Newton would have turned in his grave as Albertini broke all his 3 laws of motion and sent physicists worldwide scrambling for the classified ads.
Hovering in mid-air like a giant UFO, Albertini once again gave his all, flailing relentlessly, his face disfigured with genuine anguish. The audience, seconds ago staring dumbstruck at the performance, were now visibly moved to tears by his tortured expression.
Alas, all good things must come to an end. As exhaustion finally overwhelmed Albertini, gravity brought him crashing back down to earth, sending him rolling slowly and momentuously to a halt. All these had happened in a matter of seconds, but thanks to Albertini, every single second will be inscribed in history for future generations to read and weep.
Instantly the spectators were on their feet, clapping their hands, wiping their tears and throwing coins and panties onto the court. They had witnessed history, and though there were no judges to give score, the referee's decision said it all.
A straight red for the defender and the match was called off, with FIFA giving the Carebears a 15-0 victory. The opposing team was banned from all competitive matches and from kicking any form of round objects with their feet. An opponent, disgusted with the decision, kicked the green dustbin on the way out of the court as was fined $50,000 for violating the ban imposed.
For his amazing display of sheer class, Albertini was speedily awarded the following awards:
- THE JOGA BONITO ERIC CANTONA SCHOLARSHIP
- 'BEST ACTOR' OSCAR AWARD
- FEAR FACTOR CHAMPION
- OLYMPIC GOLD FOR GYMNASTICS
- THE CAREBEAR UNITED MVCEP AWARD (He ended the careers of the whole team with that ban)
The 5-minute movie, 'Albertini in Flight', will be released in Box Offices next summer, including the award-winning dive, replays of the dive from 3 different angles, as well as an exclusive interview by Albertini which he did not attend.
Updated: Sep. 11, 2006, 09:00 PM SGTako backs error-prone keeper Wookie
Ang Mo Kio, Singapore, Sept 11 (Routers) - Care Bear United goalkeeper has been given the backing of his team mate and fellow accessory aficionado Tako Pachi in the wake of his latest high-profile mistake.
The Chinese national (with suspected Korean origins) took the blame for NIE Legends’ first goal in Saturday’s 4 - 3 narrow away win.Wookie misjudged a Legend’s kick in which floated towards goal, and rushed out of his position to punch the ball away. With his momentum taking him forward and still in two minds whether to punch the ball or to collect it, Wookie only managed the slightest of touch on the ball, allowing it to fall dramatically (to the evident dismay of his team mates and unconcealed delight of the opposite numbers) into his goal. This unpremeditated gaffe led to an audacious comeback by the NIE Legends that saw Care Bear United squander a 4-goal lead to narrowly win 4 - 3 at the NIE courts.
That mistake followed on from slip-ups in previous outings, the regularity of which prompted rival club fans to label Wookie with a ‘1 blunder each match’ and other acerbic chants. But the club stands by their avant garde keeper.
‘I have a lot of confidence in Wookie after seeing what he did at Sentosa (Wookie kept a clean sheet with many phenomenal saves),’ Tako told reporters on Monday.
‘We don’t need to talk a lot about him because he’s a very good goalkeeper.’
Care Bear United’s virtuoso playmaker Kai ‘The Dictator’ Yi said, ‘Wookie will always be our number 1 (goalkeeper), as long as he remains at this club.
‘He just needs to find his confidence and before he finds it (his confidence), we will stand by him. Everyone makes mistakes, but you cannot throw them away just because they have grown moldy or have been under the desk for two weeks.’
Care Bear United’s tenacious striker and occasionally surrogate goalkeeper, Park Yee Hung was eager to show his support.
Speaking to reporters in an interview on Monday, he said, ‘Wookie has vast potential and he is always improving. His reflexes coupled with his courage will see him achieve a ‘1 clean sheet each match’. He just needs to put the past behind him and I will help him.’
Wookie will keep his place for future clashes against other clubs come Saturday.
Tako says his team must improve their defending if they are to ameliorate their reputation and restore sovereignty over other clubs in Ang Mo Kio.
‘We conceded three goals with three mistakes against NIE Legends,’ he added.
‘We need to reinforce our defense. Last season we were doing all these things impeccably and we need to start again and remember everything.’
Tako further reflected that reinstating their claim over the Home of the Care Bears would not be a walk in the park with Justice League out to encumber their endeavor.
He said, ‘It’s a daunting match up and JL have a wealth of experience but the trips away from home has helped us cultivate our movement.’
[Monday, September 11, 2006]
YEE-SPN NEWS UPDATECAREBEAR UNITED IN DISCUSSIONS WITH BAK KUT TEH STALL OVER SPONSORSHIP DEALWith the emergence of the Carebears as a major force in the soccer arena, the club has received many offers for sponsorship deals from several businesses, ranging from SUMO HOUSE to Ah Seng's Hardware Shop to the Yamaguchi Kendo Club.
However the Ang Mo Kio Bak Kut Teh Stall has made itself a serious contender with a sponsorship deal worth millions of dollars. Renowned for their succulent bak kut teh, tasty soup and artery-clogging ter ka, the Stall is frequently patronised by the Carebears. As a senior member of the team put it, 'Katsudon is so yesterday man.'
If the sponsorship deal is accepted by the Carebears, the Carebears will be able to add more soup to the bowl at no extra charge. Albertini, the accounting i/c and finance officer of the team, has announced during the press conference that 'this could translate to millions of dollars in savings, based on my own calculations.' He urged the Carebears to take up this deal instead of a $75 million deal offered by Vodafone and a $150 million deal by Carlsberg. 'Trust me,' he stated sincerely, jiggling his shoulders up and down.
If accepted, the new Carebear Jersey will be spectacularly emblazoned with the company logo.
Albertini has applauded the design of the jerseys, saying it will win fans worldwide and boost the glamourous image of the players. 'Currently, Bolton are known as The Trotters. Soon, Carebear United will be known as the Pig Trotters,' he confidently claimed.
[Sunday, September 10, 2006]
Bears bear another mediocre week.
Carebear United (disbanded) took part in the much covetted NIE-cup finals today and faced their old rivals, NIELegends. Having beat the legends with a legendary score of 9 - 0 a season back, Carebear United seek to duplicate the performance by enhancing their gameplay with The Movement, The Defence and The Tree, as so discussed under the austere supervision of The Professor.
Most of the members were able to reach on time (relatively speaking), giving them time to carry out pre-match warm up session. This saw Wookie pulling off several spectular saves which he will sorely miss later on in the actual game. Armed with fresh tactics, new confidences and Albertini’s plethora of weaponry, CBUnited marched onto the court (figure of speech, as they are already on the court), hoping to bring good old glory back.
The match started with little aplomb, but as the game pushes on, so did CBUnited, seeing them occupying the opposition half more often then not. This, unsurprisingly, led to flood of early goals, after quick successive movements within the CB ranks. Juncheng and Tako were providing sterling shut outs and clearances when the ball moved into CB's own half. Both were also seen aiding the attack with blazing speed and subliminal ball control respectively. Tako, having cleared one ball too many, subbed with Jie Song half way through the first half. While Tako was exceptional in defence, Jie Song was simply unconquerable. With his arrival, CBUnited’s own half was suddenly covered with verdant undergrowth, stopping any ardent intent on goal by the opposition.
While Albertini was able to doing his job well as a holding mid, spreading the ball when he actually gets the ball, fellow team mate Hung was seen grabbing his hair in frustration throughout the match rather then his usual clenched fist of celebration. CBUnited management was rumoured to be looking into possible repositioning of Hung after the match concluded. On a side note, CBUnited did not play the 4-4-1-1 formation even thought Pnut was in the starting line up. The gamble paid off as Pnut showed that he can make great Koon passes that don’t end up in his own side’s net.
With the conclusion of the first half, CBUnited also concluded their scoring spree, seeing no goals at all in the second half. More importantly, the defence was letting the opposition taking runs on the goal with greater frequency. Wookie, having used up all his credits pulling off pre match saves, was unable to help the team with even the simplest of saves, letting in 3 goals in all. However, he did drew first blood, ending another striker’s career the same way he did 2 weeks back, and therefore opened the flood gates for the rest of the team. Albertini executed his authoritative flailing arms in the face of the opposition, literally. Tako and Jie Song weren’t shy too, when it comes to arresting the persistent attacks, with Tako making a Life Threatening Tackle for the first time of his career. All in all, CBUnited lived true to their motto of “To Seek And Destroy”.
MOTM: Pnuto. His goal, scored under pressure, brought great relief to the fans. He is truly value for money and a great buy this season for CBUnited and the SAF.
MVCEP: Tako. His tackle nearly ended the life of an opposition striker. As Pnuto gladly testifies, “For the first time, I feared for that guy’s life”. Ben Thatcher gladly gave his stamp of approval. Simply, a 5 star career ending move.
In other news:
Park Yee Hung granted 4F citizenship.
Park Yee Hung, born in 4J, was granted official citizenship to 4F after his numerous appearances in 4F's national soccer team, CBUnited. 4F primer and CBUnited Chairman, Lim Yu Hui, emphasised the need for the continual induction of foreign talent into the 4F family. "The disband rate is high while the birth rate remains at 0. To offset this trend and ensure the continued survival of 4F and its soccer team, we have to open our arms to talented individuals who are willing to give their all to 4F."
[Wednesday, September 06, 2006]
YEE-SPN NEWS BULLETINSAF SPLASHES ENTIRE DEFENCE BUDGET ON 20-YR OLDWith the government's announcement during Budget Day that 50% of the annual Budget will be allocated for military spending, the SAF has wasted no time in splurging the entire amount on Lee Li Koon. The precocious talent, currently only 20 years of age, has been the subject of much transfer speculation between SAF and Carebear Utd, with both sides eager to compensate the other for his transfer there.
After much deliberation and long discussions, SAF and Carebear Utd have finally ironed out a unique contract for Li Koon. It is clear that he will play for the Carebears, however after the game and the damage has been done, the SAF will keep him for unrelated use. 'We will make sure he earns back the money we spent on him,' LG Ng XX confidently declared. 'Using our calculations from DSTA, Li Koon will be able to pay us back and ORD exactly three days after Armageddon.'
Li Koon will be unveiled at Ang Mo Kio Blk 31, as an official player for the Carebears, to cheers of delight and derision by SAF fans islandwide. However reporters are puzzled over the seemingly pitiful compensation in view of the massive damage a Koon pass can cause.
However LG Ng XX clarified all doubts. 'This payment is by instalments. We will be also paying the Carebears our defence budget for 2007, 2008, all the way till Singapore enters the World Cup Finals in 3010. We understand we might have to borrow heavily from IMF as well.'
Even with this announcement, soccer pundits and analysts all agree that SAF has got itself a golden deal. With all its new-found wealth, Carebear Utd now faces the unenvied challenge of strengthening the team to offset any Koon passes. Plans are currently being drawn up to field a 4-4-1-1 formation, with 4 goalkeepers on the line, another 4 just in front and the 1 goalkeeper at the edge of the penalty box, with Li Koon playing alone upfront.
The money is now in the safe hands of Wookie, treasurer of Carebear Utd, who has quickly dumped all the money into Enron stocks for safekeeping under advice from Albertini.
Match NoticeDate: 9th Sept 2006Time: 0900Venue: NIE CourtOpponent: nielegendsAttire: Your soccer accessories. Gothic earings not provided.Final note from the coach: Dun be LATE cos we booked the court from 9am onwards. Dun cut our playing time.
Care Bear United Squad/Transfer Tidbits
Post-Op David Vows To Return Stronger
Care Bear United defender David underwent surgery at the Singapore General Hospital (SGH) with hopes that someday he would be able to return to top-flight football with the Care Bear team. The surgery took place on 31st August 2006 (Thursday) and was a success. The 20-year-old defender was discharged the following afternoon.
David said: “The operation was a success and a cute nurse helped me change my pants. I’m certain that with the right attitude, I will be back and as good as ever.
“It’s a crucial operation, it’s the wrist ligament as everybody who knows, knows, and everybody knows I need it to play piano.”
The Ang Mo Kio defender's wrist was twisted, obliterated and torn apart during a freak ICCT training. During a demonstration, an instructor grabbed hold of David's wrist and, ignoring the 'lei-lei' cries for help, annihilated the ligaments in a Ben-like horror motion.
The injury has hampered David’s first team appearances and has severely reduced Care Bear United’s defense, causing them to struggle against mediocre teams. It has also seen David’s loan to Trinity in Ireland postponed by a year.
Care Bear United may have to do without their panache defender for the rest of the season, although David is resolute that he will return as soon as possible.
He told the club’s official website: “I have been playing piano and opening chili packets with one hand, and once that’s out of the way, I can get on with the rehabilitation.
“At the start of the rehab, it will just be about getting the wrist moving and trying to keep up my general dexterity, but it will get tougher as I get nearer to a comeback.
“Soon I will be able to play more demanding pieces on the piano and the obvious aim is to return to assembling my zoids once more, although that is still possible with one hand, and sewing pencil cases out of Chinese High pants.”
David’s absence has been compounded by Jun ‘Abs’ Cheng’s call to international duty, Albertini’s own fitness concerns and No. 0’s departure to UK.
Care Bear United will look for other options in Tak Juniors FC and David’s elusive cousin.
No. 0 shock move to undisclosed club for undisclosed fee
No. 0 (real name undisclosed) snubbed Care Bear United for challenges abroad, sources inside Tak Juniors FC revealed.
The former Tak Juniors FC midfielder was highly sought after by several influential clubs with Care Bear United leading the chase to sign the enigmatic player.
Initially spotted in a friendly between Care Bear United and Tak Juniors FC, where she played for Tak Juniors FC, No. 0 impressed with her bold tackles (especially on Care Bear United’s rock in defense, Park Jie Song) and her intuitive through-passes. However, it was her ability to sell shirts and increase attendance that made her an asset to her club.
“We’ve been following the player for a long time,” said Care Bear United chairman, Lim Yuhui, in an interview before the transfer deadline.
“We believed that with her unyielding courage and intuitive defense-splitting passes, not only can she lead the club to greater heights, she could even lead the club to greater attendance.”
The Care Bear United supremo has revealed his disappointment at the collapse of No. 0’s move from Tak Juniors FC.
No. 0 was given permission to speak to Care Bear United – she attended a trial at the club’s home ground in Ang Mo Kio – and a fee and personal terms had been agreed on for the 19-year-old.
However, the industrious midfielder chose to venture abroad in a shock move to an undisclosed club in UK for an undisclosed fee, fueling speculation in the media.
Yuhui said: “I am resentful because everything had been agreed, but there was nothing we could do about the situation.”
Sources claimed that No. 0 was sent threats and hate mail by Care Bear United Armskote IC, Albertini, who was afraid that she would reduce his first team chances if she made the switch. She was also convinced, by Albertini, that she would find greener pastures abroad. No. 0 was unavailable for comment, as she had left for her new club.
But it would mean that Yuhui would have to content with other promising youngsters from Tak Juniors FC who are currently attending trial at Care Bear United.
Another potential signing would be David’s elusive cousin who has yet to agree on a date to attend trial at the club.
[Tuesday, September 05, 2006]
YEE-SPN SOCCER NEWSBAD BOY THATCHER BREAKS DOWN, CONFESSES TO HEARING VOICESAfter accepting a heavy punishment of 6 weeks' wages and a 6 match ban, Blackburn bad boy Ben Thatcher broke down yesterday in front of stunned reporters. 'I didn't mean to hurt Mendes,' he was reported to say in tears. 'I heard voices telling me to do it.' Thatcher alleges that he has been tormented by voices in his head, taunting him with 'When I say I will elbow, I will elbow' and 'Everyone is out to scheme you, I am your only friend.'
He has been speedily admitted to mental hospital under intensive psychological care. Placed under the caring supervision of Dr. Albertini, one can only hope that Ben will get well soon.
In other unrelated news, Ming Hsien Technologies Pte Ltd has announced the launch of its new micro-speaker. 1mm by 1mm in size, it can be implanted in the ear and not be spotted. MH Technologies claims the microchip has just been tested and the results have been 100% successful.
Wookie Ear Chain Sets Trend, Tak's Studs Lose their ShineEver since he was spotted donning the daring double ear chain, Wookie has become an instant hit with youngsters hoping to emulate the King of Goth. Already a massive idol in Korea thanks to his Korean idol looks, Wookie has certainly not done his fan base any harm with his new fashion statement. He plans to reach Goth nirvana by finally impaling his arm with a stick, although plans to do so are still on the drawing board now.
Fashion rival Tak is allegedly furious at this turn of events. Once a crowd favorite with his dazzling ear studs, he is now left in the cold thanks to the huge popularity of the Wookie ear chain. 'Wookie's chain is definitely the in thing now. I mean, ear studs are so yesterday man.' says an ardent Wookie fan.
However in a recent interview with Tak, who was 2 hours late for the interview, Tak has expressed confidence that he will make it through this tough period. 'You won't see me losing hair over this', he says assuredly. 'You will still see me losing hair, but I assure you, it is not over this.'
Contract War between SAF and Carebear Utd over Li Koon heats upLi Koon has been in the centre of a widely-publicised dispute between the Singapore Armed Forces (SAF) and Carebear United. SAF claims that Li Koon has already signed a 6-year contract under the noses of his employers. In what reporters theme as 'Koongate', the contract war has gone on for months and both sides seek a speedy resolution to this messy affair.
'SAF should take him,' said a spokesman for Carebear Utd.
'No, Carebear Utd should keep him,' retorted LG Ng X X.
'No no, SAF take,' maintained the Carebear spokesman.
'No!!! Carebear keeps him!' CDF indignantly replied. He was then speedily despatched by an elbow from Ben Thatcher, who claims his doctor made him do it. Another mental disorder of course. Dr. Albertini is a widely respected member of the psychological community with a proven track record, as his ex-patients Martin Keown, Rivaldo and Marco Materazzi will testify. Ben Thatcher was then handcuffed and led back to the hospital, with Dr Albertini patting his head and giving him a Scooby snack.
Both sides are currently ironing out a $20 million deal, with SAF paying the full amount to Carebear Utd in exchange for NOT taking Likoon into its ranks.
Kai 'The Thinker' Yi Scores Unprecedented Full Marks in FIFA Coaching CoursePlaymaker Kai Yi, affectionately known as 'The Professor' by his team-mates, has added his net worth with an unprecedented 100 marks in the FIFA Coaching Course, Course instructor Arsene Wenger was stunned speechless by the perfect result, and was seen scratching his head and tickling Mourinho's left ear. He finally found his tongue in a recent interview with reporters, but was only able to sputter, 'B..b...bo he h...ha..hae mmmm...mma hhhhho'.
Just as the Dutch have Total Football and the Brazilians have their brand of Samba football, the Carebears have The Movement thanks to the brainstorming of Kai Yi. Credited with bringing the Carebears to where they are now (kicked out of their homeground, bottom in the TCHS league), Kai Yi remains the ever-humble schemer.
'There was a time the Carebears resorted to chipping ankles, two-footed tackles and an assorted array of weapons,' Kai Yi reminisced.
'Don't you guys still do that?' said an intrepid reporter, before he was knocked out by a timely Ben Thatcher elbow.
'We don't. We have Ben now.' Kai Yi smirked, as he watched the reporter being stretchered off by paramedics and Thatcher escorted back under the meticulous supervision of Dr. Albertini......
To Be Continued.....
[Saturday, September 02, 2006]
Stuttering Carebears Fights Out A Draw In TCHS Court
After the defeat at home last week to Justice League, CBUnited had a point to prove and decided to test their mantle at the Chinese High Court. The match was scheduled to start at 0930 but had to be postponed as several keys members of the CBUnited was nowhere to be found. After a long and arduous wait, the game was finally underway with the team members raring to go. However, their enthusiasm was quickly put out as the opponents pounced on their error, slicing through their porous defense like a koon pass.
Despite the slow start, CBUnited fought back hard. Their luck took a change for the better when Kai Yi received a ball in a seemingly harmless position and unleashed a cannonball at the defensive pillar of the Council Team. Renowned for his placement, he struck out at where the sun doesn’t and took out the man in his opponent. The Council team had no choice but to field in their reserves. Seeing a kink in the opponent armour, CBUnited wasted no time and finished them off promptly with Pnutini claiming the credit for converting a loose ball before the penalty area. As the Council Team left the court with their faces in their hands, CBUnited thought they had the game under control but in came CBunited Team 2 led by training rebel TAX boosting a defense of the indomitable Calves and the ever eccentric Wooki. The teams knew each inside out and outside in and it was bound to be an epic battle. But as like all epic battles, the ending is always anti climatic. Receiving the ball at the corner, Yee Hung was asked to pass back but due to his keeper origins he placed a lil too much weight on the ball and passed it right ball to the defense. The defense, caught wrong footed, could only look on as the defense splitting pass reached striker Kelven with the perfect pace and weight. Kelven didn’t need another invitation. CBUnited Team 1 ousted!
CBUnited Team 2 kept up their momentum for the next game as they saw off the challenge of the Denzyl Team with a nice flowing move ending up with a perfect finish. However, they couldn’t keep up the tempo and were also punished by the Tracker Team led by their angsty coach.
Overall, the day had been marred by individual errors and both teams were unable to get a good run of games. Also, the weather and training on Friday had contributed to fatigue and exhaustion in several players. However, there were many moments of brilliance shown by both teams with fluid passing, clinical finishing, hard tackling and brave keeping.
Highlights
Punto does a 1-2 with Guanine. The opponents caught ball watching. Guanine finishes without mercy. The opponent team looked on in exasperation.
A diamond in the rough! Yee Hung produced a few miraculous saves to keep the Denzyl Team at bay.
Tax dribbles pass 3 defenders! The goal is at his mercy! He scuffles his shot and a good chance goes begging.
Calves glasses is kicked to pieces and Pnuto refuses to help him repair. Trees started leaning in on the street court but Calves was quickly appeased as his glasses was fixed.
Yee Hung get his 2 mins on court as a striker. Yee Hung is exhilarated
MVCEP Of The Day: Kai Yi. Faking an innocent pass with more sinister thoughts up his sleeves. Struck at where the pain will not subside. No fanciful tricks and flicks. Job done. A true deserver of today Most Valuable Career Ending Player.
Other NewsTraining rebel tax is fined 2 week wages for his inability to be punctual for training. Tax has been spotted in the night clubs donning his dazzling ear studs with his partner in crime Wooki. The notorious duo has similar taste in fashion and is quickly making fashion statement with their many accessories. However, the club stand is very clear that players will win fans with their ball skills and not with gimmicks like stick impaling hands etc.
